Home-Buying Up Among Lame-O's

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Vol 38 Issue 14

Bush To Sacrifice Own Life For Good Of Nation

WASHINGTON, DC— Displaying the selfless courage that has defined his presidency, President Bush announced Tuesday that he will heroically lay down his life that the rest of the nation may live on. "It is the only way," Bush said. "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. I must, therefore, die to preserve future generations." Over the vociferous objections of his closest Cabinet members, Bush brushed aside their outstretched arms, repeating, "It is the only way."

Street Performer Dreams Of Performing On Streets Of Paris

ALBUQUERQUE, NM— Dave Bosio, 20, an aspiring singer-songwriter who plays guitar on the streets of Albuquerque, dreams of one day playing for spare change on the streets of Paris. "To play on the Champs-Elysées, that'd be a dream come true," Bosio said Monday. "Or someplace along the Left Bank. That'd be so much better than Copper Avenue." Bosio then launched into an off-key version of Bob Marley's "Redemption Song."

Teen Worried About Friend Who Tried Pot

ARVADA, CO— Steve Vandervelt, 16, an Arvada High School honors student, expressed grave concern Tuesday for friend Todd Wolk, who experimented with marijuana at a party the previous weekend. "They say pot's a 'gateway drug,'" Vandervelt told Wolk. "And even if it doesn't lead to cocaine and more serious stuff, doing pot can still really mess up your brain." Vandervelt offered to speak to Mrs. Logan, the school's health-ed teacher, on Wolk's behalf to get more information about the dangers of marijuana use.

Area Man Has No Idea Where To Get Envelope

NEW BERN, NC— In need of an envelope to mail his March telephone bill, Jordan Phills, 26, reported Monday that he has no idea where to get one. "Is there such thing as an 'envelope store'?" Phills asked. "I honestly have no clue how to go about getting an envelope, except by snagging one off somebody." Phills added that the envelope hunt would not have been necessary had his roommate not spilled coffee all over the pre-addressed envelope enclosed with the monthly bill.

That Guy From That One Show Not Looking So Hot

ERIE, PA— That guy who plays the main guy on that one show isn't looking so hot, sources close to the TV set reported Tuesday. "It looks like he gained, like, 40 pounds or something," said Erie resident Doug Knauss, watching the show. "He looks all puffed out and tired with those bags under his eyes." Knauss noted that the big movie the guy was in a couple years back completely tanked, so that might have done a real number on him.

It Hurts My Feelings When You Leave Before The Credits Are Done

Please don't take this the wrong way. I'm sure you don't like being told what to do. But seeing you walk out of the theater the moment the credits start to roll, well, it really hurts my feelings. I may not have been the director or one of the stars of Changing Lanes, but I worked very hard in my capacity as assistant to Mr. Affleck.
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Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Home-Buying Up Among Lame-O's

WASHINGTON, DC—In the first quarter of 2002, sales of new U.S. homes rose 5.3 percent among Dockers-wearing, Pictionary-playing lame-o's, the Commerce Department reported Monday.

Lame-o's Ken and Caryn Worth, neither of whom enjoy attending rock concerts, purchase their dream home in Arlington, VA.

"This is encouraging news for the U.S. economy," Commerce Secretary Don Evans said. "For three straight months, home-buying statistics have been robust, with March housing starts peaking at a seasonally adjusted rate of 1.66 million units. Mr. and Mrs. Suburban Dork are scooping up houses like there's no tomorrow."

Though housing-industry analysts can't understand why any thinking person would want to be saddled with a hefty mortgage and consign themselves to a depressing, isolated whitebread existence, they say falling interest rates represent the primary reason for the surge. The Federal Reserve, which has repeatedly cut interest rates in an effort to slow down the recession and stimulate consumer spending, took pains to distance itself from the trend.

"The Federal Reserve Board may have stimulated home-buying with its interest-rate cuts," Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan said. "But that doesn't mean any of us would ever want to live in a split-level ranch in some soulless gated community near Phoenix, where we'll obsess over golf and property values. Promise you'll shoot me if it ever comes to that."

According to Kiplinger's senior writer Peter Akkaf, in addition to buying more homes, lame-o's are refinancing existing mortgages to take advantage of lower rates.

"Lame-o's across the country are making appointments at financial institutions to ask men in ugly neckties and women with hairstyles 10 years out of style to adjust their mortgages to a slightly more favorable rate," Akkaf said. "When that's done, they return to their homes, where they stare at their $12.99 Monet prints from Target and listen to Andrea Bocelli on their mini-stereos. What kind of life is that?"

Asked if the recent warm temperatures could have goosed the market, National Realtors' Board president Maggie Zadora rolled her eyes.

Graph of US home buyers with lame-os, non lame-os; the lame-os are up.

"God, if that's true, that's sad," Zadora said. "It's like, 'Ooh, Mary, it's 10 degrees warmer outside! Instead of going out and doing something fun or creative, let's all pile into the minivan and search for the bland colonial of our dreams!'"

Alan and Laurie Butterfield of Glen Burnie, MD, are among the many lame-o's to take advantage of the favorable buying conditions. Last month, they purchased their first home, a three-bedroom split-level in a featureless suburban subdivision near Baltimore.

"We'd rented for so long, we figured we probably could have paid off half a mortgage by now," said Laurie, 33, who hasn't been out on a Saturday night in months. "So with the interest rates down and both of us working steadily, this seemed like the perfect time to get a house."

"With a child on the way, we wanted to move to someplace with a lot more space and good public schools," said Alan, 34, sporting a tucked-in polo shirt embroidered with his company's logo. "It's also a good investment. Our neighborhood didn't even exist 10 years ago, and already the housing values have increased by one-third from their 1996 estimates."

The Butterfields' decision impressed Money columnist William Ross.

"Very smart move, Alan and Laurie," said Ross, facetiously tapping his temple. "Thanks to your tremendous savvy and financial acumen, you now have a brand-new place to hang your wind sock. Fabulous. Have fun being chained to a mortgage for the next 30 years."

Housing-industry experts say the surge in home buying indicates increased confidence in the U.S. economy on the part of lame-o's.

"Purchasing a home is not the act of a pessimist," said Frank Nothaft, chief economist at Freddie Mac. "But it is the act of a dweeb. Sure, renting costs more over time than owning, but do you want to spend your weekends cleaning out leaf gutters and fixing the garage-door opener, or do you want to be happy? Life is way too short, people. Loosen up."

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