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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Home Crowd Disagrees With Ref’s Call But Respects His Decision

INDIANAPOLIS—Following a controversial call Saturday, the home crowd at Lucas Oil Stadium told reporters that they disagree with the referee but respect his decision. “‘Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit’ is something you might mindlessly chant at a time like this if you didn’t realize that this ref is simply doing a very tough job to the best of his abilities,” said Rob White, 29, speaking on behalf of the roughly 67,000 Colts fans in attendance, all of whom conceded that the benefits of a neutral party upholding the rules and regulations of a professional sporting event far outweigh the occasional officiating errors. “None of us would have thrown that flag, but then again, from our vantage point, we might have missed something that he saw. Regardless, it’s important that we accept his ruling in order to maintain the legitimacy of positivist law in football. We’re ready to move on.” At press time, Colts head coach Chuck Pagano was reportedly pulling the referee aside to tell him that, while he might have made a mistake in calling this particular penalty, his efforts are still very much appreciated.

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