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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Home Depot Criticized For Pledging $10 Billion To American Cancer Society For Every Padres Home Run

SAN DIEGO—Home Depot has come under fire from cancer patients, baseball fans, and Padres players for the company's recent "heartless and insulting" offer to donate "$10 billion in cash" to the American Cancer Society each time a Padres player hits a home run for the rest of the 2006 season. "This outrageous offer of 'charity' is a slap in the face to our organization," said Jay Czarnecki, a spokesman for the ACS. "Having your donation depend upon a San Diego player hitting a baseball over 300 feet through the air is not only placing unfair and unrealistic expectations on the Padres, but is equivalent to telling everyone who has cancer to go off and die." Czarnecki suggested that, if Home Depot truly supports the research and eradication of a disease that kills millions of Americans every year, they should pledge a dollar for each time a Padre strikes out or commits an error.

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