'Home Improvement' Announces Plans To Suck More

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Vol 29 Issue 17

Unabomber Condemned by Willie Tyler, Lester

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an official ceremony held at the Justice Department Monday, ventriloquist Willie Tyler and his dummy, Lester, strongly condemned Una-bomber suspect Theodore Ka-czynski.The news media, Clinton administration officials, FBI agents and nu...

San Diego Zoo Lays Off 2,000 Animals

SAN DIEGO, CA—Citing “sagging first quarter profits” and disappointing 1995 revenue figures, the San Diego Zoo announced yesterday its decision to lay off nearly 2,000 animals, including all giraffes, vultures, elephants, snakes and a number of rare Siber...

Perky 'Canada' Has Own Government, Laws

It’s Monday morning, and Toronto resident Steve Dorman shares a quick breakfast of “eggs” (a native food) with his “wife” (an officially state-sanctioned mate), and discusses yesterday’s poor showing by the hometown team in “baseball” (a popular local spo...

I'm Never Taking the Bus Again

Hola amigos. What’s goin’ on at your end? It’s been a long time since I’ve rapped at ya’, but I’ve been busier than a horny dog at a leg convention.
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'Home Improvement' Announces Plans To Suck More

Los Angeles—In an announcement that has shocked critics and audiences alike, the executive producers of Home Improvement have issued a memo detailing proposed ways to make the popular ABC-TV comedy series suck more. “Many people believe we’ve sucked as badly as you can suck,” co-executive producer Josh Hessel said. “But, believe me, we can do better.” Proposed changes include having star Tim Allen grunt more often in place of written dialogue; reducing other characters’ lines to a single catch phrase each; and substituting the program’s synthesized laugh track with the pained moans of a lone, dying elderly woman.

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