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'Home Improvement' Announces Plans To Suck More

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Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
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'Home Improvement' Announces Plans To Suck More

Los Angeles—In an announcement that has shocked critics and audiences alike, the executive producers of Home Improvement have issued a memo detailing proposed ways to make the popular ABC-TV comedy series suck more. “Many people believe we’ve sucked as badly as you can suck,” co-executive producer Josh Hessel said. “But, believe me, we can do better.” Proposed changes include having star Tim Allen grunt more often in place of written dialogue; reducing other characters’ lines to a single catch phrase each; and substituting the program’s synthesized laugh track with the pained moans of a lone, dying elderly woman.

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