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'Home Improvement' Announces Plans To Suck More

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Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
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'Home Improvement' Announces Plans To Suck More

Los Angeles—In an announcement that has shocked critics and audiences alike, the executive producers of Home Improvement have issued a memo detailing proposed ways to make the popular ABC-TV comedy series suck more. “Many people believe we’ve sucked as badly as you can suck,” co-executive producer Josh Hessel said. “But, believe me, we can do better.” Proposed changes include having star Tim Allen grunt more often in place of written dialogue; reducing other characters’ lines to a single catch phrase each; and substituting the program’s synthesized laugh track with the pained moans of a lone, dying elderly woman.

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