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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Home-Improvement Tips

Do-it-yourself home improvement can be money-saving and fun. Here are some tips to help you with that next project:

Couple painting


  • As they say, the three rules of house-painting are preparation, preparation, and painting.
  • One telltale sign that you need to go back to the old drawing board on a home plumbing project is if urine and feces are geysering out of the kitchen sink.
  • Installing a second basement is time-consuming at best.
  • When remodeling your bathroom, remember: If you plan on having French people over, they'll need one of those ass-fountains.
  • Do not begin a home-repair project without a bunch of fixy stuff like hammers and whatnot.
  • The following are some phrases you will likely need for standard home repair: "Get in there, you cocksucker!"; "Fucking son-of-a-bitch grommet!"; and "Jesus fuck—my forearm is gone!"
  • A big, hardworking man like the plumber could probably use a backrub to help him relax.
  • For heavy home-repair work, consider hiring a truckload of Mexicans as day laborers. (Note: Truckloads of Hasidic Jews not as effective as Mexicans.)
  • Bear in mind that in certain cases, remodeling and refinishing costs can balloon to the point where it might be cheaper just to buy a new trailer.
  • Common household chemicals like drain openers and silicone lubricants can get you totally high. I shit you not.
  • For bathroom-remodeling jobs, don't forget to install a hand-held shower head. It will help your wife masturbate while thinking about that well-muscled repairman who will come to fix all the mistakes you make when you try to do the job yourself.
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