Home-Improvement Tips

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Horrifying Police Body Camera Footage Clearly Shows Current State Of America

CINCINNATI—Following a traffic stop earlier this month by a University of Cincinnati police officer that ended in the shooting death of an unarmed black motorist, authorities confirmed Thursday that the disturbing video recorded by the officer’s body camera clearly and graphically shows the current state of America.

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.
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Home-Improvement Tips

Do-it-yourself home improvement can be money-saving and fun. Here are some tips to help you with that next project:

Couple painting


  • As they say, the three rules of house-painting are preparation, preparation, and painting.
  • One telltale sign that you need to go back to the old drawing board on a home plumbing project is if urine and feces are geysering out of the kitchen sink.
  • Installing a second basement is time-consuming at best.
  • When remodeling your bathroom, remember: If you plan on having French people over, they'll need one of those ass-fountains.
  • Do not begin a home-repair project without a bunch of fixy stuff like hammers and whatnot.
  • The following are some phrases you will likely need for standard home repair: "Get in there, you cocksucker!"; "Fucking son-of-a-bitch grommet!"; and "Jesus fuck—my forearm is gone!"
  • A big, hardworking man like the plumber could probably use a backrub to help him relax.
  • For heavy home-repair work, consider hiring a truckload of Mexicans as day laborers. (Note: Truckloads of Hasidic Jews not as effective as Mexicans.)
  • Bear in mind that in certain cases, remodeling and refinishing costs can balloon to the point where it might be cheaper just to buy a new trailer.
  • Common household chemicals like drain openers and silicone lubricants can get you totally high. I shit you not.
  • For bathroom-remodeling jobs, don't forget to install a hand-held shower head. It will help your wife masturbate while thinking about that well-muscled repairman who will come to fix all the mistakes you make when you try to do the job yourself.