Home-Improvement Tips

In This Section

Vol 38 Issue 19

Same Jumbotron Used For Marriage Proposal Used To Ask For Divorce

CLEVELAND— Seven years after using the giant television screen to propose marriage, Kevin Kalish, 36, used the Sony Jumbotron at Jacobs Field to ask his wife Diane for a divorce Sunday. "DIANE, YOU'RE A WONDERFUL WOMAN AND YOU'VE BEEN VERY GOOD TO ME," read the message, posted before 22,347 fans during the fifth inning of an Indians-Royals game. "BUT LATELY I'M JUST FEELING TRAPPED AND SMOTHERED BY MARRIED LIFE. DIANE, WILL YOU BE MY EX-WIFE?" The Jumbotron went on to inform Diane that Kevin assumes she will want custody of their two children, and that he has no plans to contest that.

Fat Couple's Love Like A Fat Flower

DECATUR, AL— The love shared by Gene West and Brenda Goslow, who together total nearly 600 pounds, is as precious as a heaving, bloated rose, friends of the Decatur couple report. "It's so inspiring to see two people lumber through life hand-in-hand," friend Alice Toffler said Monday. "Their love is like a big, beautiful, morbidly obese chrysanthemum. Or a new spring tulip that just can't lay off the Fritos."

Area Man Urinating Like It's The Best Thing Ever To Happen To Him

FALL RIVER, MA— According to fellow urinators in the men's room of the Tip-Top Tavern, Steve Rilke, 44, is urinating as if it were the best thing ever to happen to him. "From the sounds he's making, you'd think it was the culmination of a lifelong dream," said Frank Nolfo, moments after stepping away from the adjacent urinal. "I mean, this is one seriously passionate piss." Nolfo theorized that Rilke's overly enthusiastic bladder-voiding is somehow related to the Tip-Top Tavern's three-for-one special on Bud Ice.

Struggling Airline Helped By Friendly Giant

FORT WORTH, TX— Hit hard by the recession and the aftermath of Sept. 11, American Airlines has received some much-needed assistance from a friendly giant named Urno. "Urno has been of enormous help to us, mostly by picking up planes and running them to their destinations to cut fuel expenses," American Airlines president Donald Carty said Monday. "He also helps wash our dirty planes by dipping them into lakes and rivers." Carty said he has strongly discouraged Urno from swatting rival airlines' planes out of the sky, but "sometimes, he just won't listen."

Retarded Child Gets New Video Game Right Before Every Dinner Party

KETTERING, OH— Jeffrey Dumas, a developmentally disabled 12-year-old, receives a new PlayStation 2 video game right before every dinner party thrown by his parents. "Look, Jeffrey, a driving game!" said Meredith Dumas, 40, presenting her son with "Gran Turismo 3" and a box of snack crackers minutes before guests began arriving for a party Sunday. "I bet you could get a million points by bedtime if you started now!" The haul was one of Dumas' best since New Year's Eve, when a party thrown by his parents netted him "WWF Smackdown!," "Crash Bandicoot 2: Cortex Strikes Back," and "Simpsons: Road Rage."

Offin' Office Max

Yo, this is a message foe all y'all wack muthafuckas at Office Depot: Step tha FUCK OFF, lest y'all wanna brawl wit' tha H-Dog an' tha rest of tha Midstate Office Supply krew. 'Cuz if it come to that, shit ain't gonna be pretty. Tha H-Dog and his Midstate ballers will WASTE yo' sorry li'l red-polo-shirted asses. Word is bond.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Innovation

Home-Improvement Tips

Do-it-yourself home improvement can be money-saving and fun. Here are some tips to help you with that next project:

Couple painting


  • As they say, the three rules of house-painting are preparation, preparation, and painting.
  • One telltale sign that you need to go back to the old drawing board on a home plumbing project is if urine and feces are geysering out of the kitchen sink.
  • Installing a second basement is time-consuming at best.
  • When remodeling your bathroom, remember: If you plan on having French people over, they'll need one of those ass-fountains.
  • Do not begin a home-repair project without a bunch of fixy stuff like hammers and whatnot.
  • The following are some phrases you will likely need for standard home repair: "Get in there, you cocksucker!"; "Fucking son-of-a-bitch grommet!"; and "Jesus fuck—my forearm is gone!"
  • A big, hardworking man like the plumber could probably use a backrub to help him relax.
  • For heavy home-repair work, consider hiring a truckload of Mexicans as day laborers. (Note: Truckloads of Hasidic Jews not as effective as Mexicans.)
  • Bear in mind that in certain cases, remodeling and refinishing costs can balloon to the point where it might be cheaper just to buy a new trailer.
  • Common household chemicals like drain openers and silicone lubricants can get you totally high. I shit you not.
  • For bathroom-remodeling jobs, don't forget to install a hand-held shower head. It will help your wife masturbate while thinking about that well-muscled repairman who will come to fix all the mistakes you make when you try to do the job yourself.
  • Next Story

    Onion Video

    Watch More