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Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:

360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.
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Home Security Tips

With the exception of your children, your home is your most precious possession. Here are some tips to help keep it safe from would-be intruders:

  • If you spot a minority in your gated community who is not holding a leafblower or other lawn-care device, call your local police immediately.
  • When going on vacation, be sure to leave the oven on. This will fool people into thinking you are home.
  • When a suspicious stranger knocks at your door, reply in a falsetto voice, "Ain't nobody here but us chickens."
  • Leave a glass of milk and plate of cookies on kitchen table with a note reading "For burglars." Poison the cookies.
  • The best way to prevent burglary is to avoid keeping valuables lying around. Leave your six-bedroom mansion unfurnished, then shower, sleep and change clothes at the YMCA only.
  • Surround your house with an impenetrable labyrinth of enchanted briars.
  • Make your home unappealing to burglars by smearing windows and doors with your own feces.
  • If a stranger rings your doorbell, only talk to him if you have a handgun jammed down his throat.
  • Keep several cauldrons of boiling oil on your ramparts at all times.
  • Before going to bed, spread broken glass on your floors. Use a ratio of one pound for every five square feet, and leave yourself a path to the bathroom.
  • Rig your home with an electronic timer to randomly switch lights on and off every 15 seconds.
  • Place a large, highly visible "No Radio" sign in the front window of your home.
  • Kids should never tell a stranger who calls that they are home alone. Have them say, "Mom and dad are too busy fucking to come to the phone."
  • If you accidentally shoot a neighbor you mistake for a burglar, drag him inside and get his prints on a steak knife.
  • Keep your wife's expensive jewelry hidden deep within her anal column.
  • A handgun is of no use unless it is easily accessible in an emergency. Make sure your spouse and children know where it is at all times.
  • Protect your prized Precious Moments figurines with an elaborate network of lasers.
  • Pile valuables in center of living-room floor. Sit on pile holding double-barreled shotgun. Do not sleep.

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