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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Home Security Tips

With the exception of your children, your home is your most precious possession. Here are some tips to help keep it safe from would-be intruders:

  • If you spot a minority in your gated community who is not holding a leafblower or other lawn-care device, call your local police immediately.
  • When going on vacation, be sure to leave the oven on. This will fool people into thinking you are home.
  • When a suspicious stranger knocks at your door, reply in a falsetto voice, "Ain't nobody here but us chickens."
  • Leave a glass of milk and plate of cookies on kitchen table with a note reading "For burglars." Poison the cookies.
  • The best way to prevent burglary is to avoid keeping valuables lying around. Leave your six-bedroom mansion unfurnished, then shower, sleep and change clothes at the YMCA only.
  • Surround your house with an impenetrable labyrinth of enchanted briars.
  • Make your home unappealing to burglars by smearing windows and doors with your own feces.
  • If a stranger rings your doorbell, only talk to him if you have a handgun jammed down his throat.
  • Keep several cauldrons of boiling oil on your ramparts at all times.
  • Before going to bed, spread broken glass on your floors. Use a ratio of one pound for every five square feet, and leave yourself a path to the bathroom.
  • Rig your home with an electronic timer to randomly switch lights on and off every 15 seconds.
  • Place a large, highly visible "No Radio" sign in the front window of your home.
  • Kids should never tell a stranger who calls that they are home alone. Have them say, "Mom and dad are too busy fucking to come to the phone."
  • If you accidentally shoot a neighbor you mistake for a burglar, drag him inside and get his prints on a steak knife.
  • Keep your wife's expensive jewelry hidden deep within her anal column.
  • A handgun is of no use unless it is easily accessible in an emergency. Make sure your spouse and children know where it is at all times.
  • Protect your prized Precious Moments figurines with an elaborate network of lasers.
  • Pile valuables in center of living-room floor. Sit on pile holding double-barreled shotgun. Do not sleep.

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