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Vol 33 Issue 10

Albanian Village Bombed Forward Into Stone Age

PRISTINA, SERBIA—The ethnic-Albanian village of Pristina was bombed forward into the Stone Age Monday, thrust ahead more than 20,000 years by a Serbian attack. "The Albanians of the Kosovo region have been bombed from their previous state of anthropological sub-infancy into the earliest dawning of civilization," Serbian general Ratko Rilosevic said following the raid. According to U.N. spokespersons, the bombing so badly devastated the village that, by the next day, it had developed a hunter-gatherer societal structure and begun to communicate in rudimentary linguistic patterns. "If the bombing had been any more severe," said one Red Cross relief worker, "these villagers might be extracting metals from ferrous ores in order to fashion weapons of retaliation against their attackers."

Paula Poundstone Still Famous

LOS ANGELES—According to a report in the latest issue of Variety, comedian Paula Poundstone is still famous. "Despite not having produced any new material since ABC's The Paula Poundstone Show was cancelled in November 1993 after two episodes, Poundstone remains a celebrity, frequently appearing at gala awards ceremonies and presidential inaugural balls, as well as in Discover Card commercials," the article stated. "In light of her career's dormant state, this fame is inexplicable." Poundstone's agent insisted that her appearances and endorsements constitute new material in and of themselves.

Area Twentysomething Disillusioned With Disillusionment

SEATTLE—After spending the past 10 years in a deep state of disillusionment, area 27-year-old Kevin Soto announced Monday he is disillusioned with disillusionment. "For years I believed that my disillusionment with a world overrun by WalMart, Madison Avenue marketing whores, and corporate rock would keep me from drowning in all the bullshit they spoon-feed you," Soto said. "But now I just don't know."

My Enemies List

The following is my newest list of enemies and despised foes. A twice-annual tradition since 1918, the list serves to inform my nemeses of my low regard for them, and alerts the ordinary reader to clear a wide berth should he encounter one of them on the street. And if you are one of these fiends, take care, for I intend to destroy you, to crush you like a soft, fat caterpillar under the iron wheels of my wheel-chair. Consider this publicly known register a sporting chance for you to get your affairs in order before your inevitable demise. Cry foul if you wish, or believe you are an innocent victim of untoward enmity, but I will soon have my sweet revenge.

Chemical-Biological Weapons

Popping up everywhere from Iraq to Nevada in recent months, chemical and biological weapons are regarded by many experts as the war instrument of the future. What do you think about the threat of these so-called "weapons of mass destruction"?

Horoscope for the week of March 17, 1998

Your attempt to publish your account of a year-long trip down China's Yellow River will meet with strong opposition. Change your name from Irene Paulette Freely to something more dignified.

Jean's Got The Write Stuff!

Something happened last Tuesday that just made my day! (No, it wasn't the Chocolate Fairy leaving something under my pillow, but it was almost as good!) You see, I actually got a letter in the mail about my column! A fan letter!
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Advertising

  • Sports Drink Company Putting First Advertisement On Moon

    Japanese pharmaceutical company Otsuka has announced plans to put their sports drink Pocari Sweat on the moon in a specially equipped container bearing their logo, which, if successful, would be the first time a commercial product has been flown to the mo...

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Home Security Tips

With the exception of your children, your home is your most precious possession. Here are some tips to help keep it safe from would-be intruders:

  • If you spot a minority in your gated community who is not holding a leafblower or other lawn-care device, call your local police immediately.
  • When going on vacation, be sure to leave the oven on. This will fool people into thinking you are home.
  • When a suspicious stranger knocks at your door, reply in a falsetto voice, "Ain't nobody here but us chickens."
  • Leave a glass of milk and plate of cookies on kitchen table with a note reading "For burglars." Poison the cookies.
  • The best way to prevent burglary is to avoid keeping valuables lying around. Leave your six-bedroom mansion unfurnished, then shower, sleep and change clothes at the YMCA only.
  • Surround your house with an impenetrable labyrinth of enchanted briars.
  • Make your home unappealing to burglars by smearing windows and doors with your own feces.
  • If a stranger rings your doorbell, only talk to him if you have a handgun jammed down his throat.
  • Keep several cauldrons of boiling oil on your ramparts at all times.
  • Before going to bed, spread broken glass on your floors. Use a ratio of one pound for every five square feet, and leave yourself a path to the bathroom.
  • Rig your home with an electronic timer to randomly switch lights on and off every 15 seconds.
  • Place a large, highly visible "No Radio" sign in the front window of your home.
  • Kids should never tell a stranger who calls that they are home alone. Have them say, "Mom and dad are too busy fucking to come to the phone."
  • If you accidentally shoot a neighbor you mistake for a burglar, drag him inside and get his prints on a steak knife.
  • Keep your wife's expensive jewelry hidden deep within her anal column.
  • A handgun is of no use unless it is easily accessible in an emergency. Make sure your spouse and children know where it is at all times.
  • Protect your prized Precious Moments figurines with an elaborate network of lasers.
  • Pile valuables in center of living-room floor. Sit on pile holding double-barreled shotgun. Do not sleep.
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