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Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.
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Home Security Tips

With the exception of your children, your home is your most precious possession. Here are some tips to help keep it safe from would-be intruders:

  • If you spot a minority in your gated community who is not holding a leafblower or other lawn-care device, call your local police immediately.
  • When going on vacation, be sure to leave the oven on. This will fool people into thinking you are home.
  • When a suspicious stranger knocks at your door, reply in a falsetto voice, "Ain't nobody here but us chickens."
  • Leave a glass of milk and plate of cookies on kitchen table with a note reading "For burglars." Poison the cookies.
  • The best way to prevent burglary is to avoid keeping valuables lying around. Leave your six-bedroom mansion unfurnished, then shower, sleep and change clothes at the YMCA only.
  • Surround your house with an impenetrable labyrinth of enchanted briars.
  • Make your home unappealing to burglars by smearing windows and doors with your own feces.
  • If a stranger rings your doorbell, only talk to him if you have a handgun jammed down his throat.
  • Keep several cauldrons of boiling oil on your ramparts at all times.
  • Before going to bed, spread broken glass on your floors. Use a ratio of one pound for every five square feet, and leave yourself a path to the bathroom.
  • Rig your home with an electronic timer to randomly switch lights on and off every 15 seconds.
  • Place a large, highly visible "No Radio" sign in the front window of your home.
  • Kids should never tell a stranger who calls that they are home alone. Have them say, "Mom and dad are too busy fucking to come to the phone."
  • If you accidentally shoot a neighbor you mistake for a burglar, drag him inside and get his prints on a steak knife.
  • Keep your wife's expensive jewelry hidden deep within her anal column.
  • A handgun is of no use unless it is easily accessible in an emergency. Make sure your spouse and children know where it is at all times.
  • Protect your prized Precious Moments figurines with an elaborate network of lasers.
  • Pile valuables in center of living-room floor. Sit on pile holding double-barreled shotgun. Do not sleep.


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