Homeless Drifters Of Santa Barbara Feverishly Await Women's Beach Volleyball Tournament

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Vol 46 Issue 36

Classic Movie 'Avatar' Updated For Today's Audiences

LOS ANGELES—Paramount Pictures confirmed Monday the Dec. 23 release date for Avatar 2KX, a remake of the beloved 2009 sci-fi thriller Avatar that will bring the story into the modern era with faster-paced action sequences and cutting-e...

Tips For High School Athletes

As America's teens return to class, they return to the playing fields as well. Onion Sports prepares them for what may be the greatest time in their lives.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

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Homeless Drifters Of Santa Barbara Feverishly Await Women's Beach Volleyball Tournament

SANTA BARBARA, CA—Though there are still two days to go until the first match of the California Beach Volleyball Association's annual Santa Barbara tournament, homeless drifters and vagrants of all ages have already begun to gather in the ocean-side community for what they call "their most favorite weekend of the year." "I like to look at those ladies, they're nice to look at," 54-year-old Peter "Midnight Pete" Hanley said Thursday as he unwrapped a half-eaten cheeseburger he'd been storing in his breast pocket. "They ain't hardly got nothing on, neither. They're running and diving and screaming real loud, and all for me—for my birthday. Ain't hardly got nothing on, neither." In response, CBVA officials said they're just happy people are getting excited for the tournament.

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