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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Homeless Drifters Of Santa Barbara Feverishly Await Women's Beach Volleyball Tournament

SANTA BARBARA, CA—Though there are still two days to go until the first match of the California Beach Volleyball Association's annual Santa Barbara tournament, homeless drifters and vagrants of all ages have already begun to gather in the ocean-side community for what they call "their most favorite weekend of the year." "I like to look at those ladies, they're nice to look at," 54-year-old Peter "Midnight Pete" Hanley said Thursday as he unwrapped a half-eaten cheeseburger he'd been storing in his breast pocket. "They ain't hardly got nothing on, neither. They're running and diving and screaming real loud, and all for me—for my birthday. Ain't hardly got nothing on, neither." In response, CBVA officials said they're just happy people are getting excited for the tournament.

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