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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Homesick Trump Stays Up All Night On Phone With Automated Mar-A-Lago Reservations Line

BRUSSELS—Sad and lonely from the diplomatic trip that has kept him thousands of miles away from his private estate for almost a week, a homesick Donald Trump stayed up all night on the phone with the automated Mar-a-Lago reservations line, sources said Wednesday. “The dining room will be open from 6:30 to 8:30 p.m., and tonight’s specials will be braised lamb with vegetables and herb-roasted salmon served on a bed of orzo, in addition to a six-star seafood buffet that will be served on the patio,” said the concierge’s voice on a pre-recorded message as the president, huddled under the blanket in his hotel, wiped tears away with his pajama sleeve and reminded himself that he only had three more days to go. “If you would like to access our premium spa or salon services, press 1; if you would like to schedule a tennis or golf lesson with one of our certified professionals, press 2; if you would like to book one of our spaces for a wedding or event, press 3. Please press 9 to hear the options again.” After cycling through the selections numerous times, Trump reportedly dozed off with the phone on his pillow and an untroubled smile on his sleeping face.

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