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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Hometown Wistfully Toured Via Google Street View

COLUMBUS, OH—Eleven years after last walking through his hometown, 29-year-old local man Paul Brundage reportedly spent the entire evening Friday revisiting his childhood neighborhood in Decatur, IL using the Google Maps Street View feature. “Looks like that tree I always liked to climb is gone now,” said Brundage, sitting alone in his home office and slowly clicking through the panoramic images on his computer screen to retrace what was for six years the daily route he took between his childhood home and his elementary school. “I guess they got a new playground. And that market where I used to buy candy after school is a cell phone store now. Huh. I guess it has been a long time.” Sources confirmed Brundage later sat motionless for 40 minutes while staring at the house his high school girlfriend’s family moved out of eight years ago.

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