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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Hometown Wistfully Toured Via Google Street View

COLUMBUS, OH—Eleven years after last walking through his hometown, 29-year-old local man Paul Brundage reportedly spent the entire evening Friday revisiting his childhood neighborhood in Decatur, IL using the Google Maps Street View feature. “Looks like that tree I always liked to climb is gone now,” said Brundage, sitting alone in his home office and slowly clicking through the panoramic images on his computer screen to retrace what was for six years the daily route he took between his childhood home and his elementary school. “I guess they got a new playground. And that market where I used to buy candy after school is a cell phone store now. Huh. I guess it has been a long time.” Sources confirmed Brundage later sat motionless for 40 minutes while staring at the house his high school girlfriend’s family moved out of eight years ago.

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