Homoerotic Overtones Enliven NRA Meeting

In This Section

Vol 33 Issue 24

Comedy Central Celebrates One Millionth Airing Of Cheech & Chong: Still Smokin'

NEW YORK—Comedy Central reached a milestone at 3 a.m. EST Monday, when it aired Cheech & Chong: Still Smokin' for the one millionth time. "This is a film that deserves to be seen again and again," said Comedy Central president Alan Scherr of Still Smokin', which ranks ninth on AFI's listing of the 100 greatest films of all time. "This landmark 1983 work, in which Cheech and Chong journey to Amsterdam to raise money for a bankrupt film festival by holding a dope-a-thon, is an enduring, towering classic. Cheech displays an astonishing acting range in the film, playing characters ranging from Limey Bitters to Tristan DeNiteaway, to the uproarious E.T. parody, 'Eddie Torres, the Extra-Testicle.' See it hundreds of times."

Local Christian Sees Parallel To Your Situation In Bible

TALLAHASSEE, FL—According to local Christian Matthew Peete, a remarkable parallel exists between your current situation and events chronicled in The Bible. "You know, when Job was being tormented by the Devil, he felt like giving up, the same as you," Peete said. "But Job had faith that God would deliver him, and He did. You need to have faith, because, just as God tested Job, the Lord is testing you with your wife's infidelity."

Industrial Light & Magic Creates Believable Storyline

SAN RAFAEL, CA—In the special-effects company's most dazzling achievement yet, Industrial Light & Magic has created a storyline for the upcoming sci-fi thriller Orbital Velocity that is actually believable. The storyline, developed by ILM technicians using state-of-the-art 3-D computer imaging, is said to be even more plausible and non-contradictory than Godzilla's. "By digitally enhancing the original draft of the script, we were able to create a plot that is virtually linear," said ILM technician Colin Northrop. "When you see it up there on the screen, you'll swear you were watching something engaging."

Area Fifth-Grader Won't Shut Up About Raccoons

GOSHEN, IN—For the 41st straight day, Goshen fifth-grader Peter Driscoll refused to shut up about raccoons Tuesday. "The largest raccoon ever recorded weighed over 60 pounds," Driscoll said. "Baby raccoons are called kits and gestate for 63 days." "He just won't stop with the damn raccoons," said Valerie Driscoll, Peter's mother. "I don't know how much more of this I can take." Peter also noted that the name "raccoon" comes from the Algonquin word "arakun," which means "one who scratches with his hands."

NYC Health Department Cracks Down On Food Vendors Who Fail To Wipe Off Meat With Rag

NEW YORK—New York City Health Department officials announced a major crackdown on non-meat-wiping food vendors Monday. "Effective June 30, when a hot dog falls to the pavement, the vendor must pick it up and wipe it thoroughly with a rag before selling it," Deputy Health Commissioner Louis Holman said. "Further, the rag must be kept at least two feet off the ground and rinsed weekly." The new ordinance is the strictest passed by the city's Health Department since a 1996 law requiring food-service workers to be fully clothed.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Comedy

Homoerotic Overtones Enliven NRA Meeting

COEUR D'ALENE, ID—Repression was the order of the day as the National Rifle Association's North Idaho Chapter held its annual convention this weekend.

NRA member James D'Alessandro admires a fellow member's piece, stirring potent feelings within himself.

More than 25,000 dedicated gun lovers from across Northern Idaho flocked to the Coeur d'Alene Convention Center for the two-day event, happily sublimating homosexual impulses amid a carefully maintained facade of platonic camaraderie.

Moscow, ID, resident Richard Hoflinger, 47, a longtime gun-rights activist, proudly exhibited the collection of antique rifles through which he has channeled his culturally unacceptable impulses. "Guns should be part of any upstanding Christian family," Hoflinger said, sticking a long, thick, oily pipe-cleaner 14 inches up an 1886 Remington.

In the next booth, another latent gay man, Duane Erlich of Sandpoint, moved his hand slowly up and down a well-polished 1948 Winchester. "Ain't she a beautiful baby?" Erlich said, displaying the kind of feminization/infantilization of firearms for which NRA members are renowned.

Erlich then demonstrated the proper loading procedure for his "baby," lovingly inserting a pair of bullets into the dark, snug-fitting tunnels before thrusting the gun's bolt smoothly into the action, cocking it firmly.

"This'll blow a man straight to heaven," he said.

The tone of the event was set by chapter president John Henry Unger, whose opening remarks cited the "wonderful variety of weaponry on display, from little snub-nosed pieces that fit snugly in your pocket to big, meaty shooters with barrels as thick as your arm."

Unger then fired his father's prize Colt Peacemaker revolver into the air, drawing raucous applause from the crowd, many of whose own fathers had suppressed latent physical attraction for their adolescent sons by channeling their forbidden feelings into totemistic firearms.

All over the convention floor, gun manufacturers proudly unveiled new technologies which will allow simmering homoerotic tensions to be expressed with greater nuance than ever before. At the Smith & Wesson booth, company spokesman Darrell Trace displayed a handgun made from a newly developed metal alloy whose "incredibly hard" nature, he explained, gives it no recoil after discharge, providing its user with "a far greater sense of control over his piece."

"It's a very comfortable gun, very soft in the hands," added Trace, noting that Smith & Wesson had designed the gun to appeal to "shooters tired of coming home from the firing range with sore, worn-out wrists."

But even as conventioneers reveled in a two-day orgy of firearm-to-phallus transference, a dark cloud hung over the event. The NRA has declined in power over the last decade, and its once-potent lobbyists have come out on the losing end of key legislative battles like the Brady Bill, causing many members to bring their lifelong subconscious fears of castration to the fore.

"If the gun-control lobby wants my rod, they'll have to yank it from my dead body," said Pocatello-area bar-owner Joseph Greer, cradling a tell-tale snub-nosed revolver.

"Those guys out there in Washington are tryin' to take our guns away, but we ain't gonna let 'em," Greer continued, adding classic paternal displacement to the already-rich psychosexual tapestry. "No siree, Bob."

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More