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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Homosexuality Only Thing Parents Can Accept About Son

GRAND FORKS, ND—Expressing their deep disappointment with his behavior and lifestyle, local parents Jeff and Susan Lindegaard told reporters Tuesday that they are simply unable to accept anything about their 24-year-old son Henry aside from his homosexuality. “Look, we tried to raise Henry right, and we’re very supportive of his sexual orientation, but as long as he can’t make a car payment on his own and spends all his time playing strategy board games with his friends, we will never be able to accept him back into our family,” said Susan Lindegaard, who said that she felt physically ill and had to leave the room when her son broke the news to her that he was living in a cramped two-bedroom apartment with three other roommates and that he was thinking of starting his own T-shirt printing business on the side. “Henry is welcome to bring whoever he loves to this house, but I will not let him walk in the door with that Quiznos uniform on him. How is he not ashamed to be seen in public like that? He has no idea how much that hurts us.” According to sources, after envisioning her son recording his own understated synthesizer-based music on an old four-track in his bedroom, Lindegaard broke down in tears and asked God what she had done for her child to turn out like this.

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