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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Honest Chris Paul Says New Orleans Hornets Fans The 16th Best In World

NEW ORLEANS—Saying that he was just being honest, New Orleans guard Chris Paul told reporters Monday that Hornets fans are the 16th best fans on the planet. "Look at it this way: 16th is pretty darn good if we're talking about the whole world," said Paul, adding that the planet's greatest fans are clearly those of Manchester United in the British Premier League. "I could go and say something silly like Hornets fans are the best, but let's be real here. Teams like the Packers, Cubs, Michigan Wolverines, and Team Canada Hockey all have amazing fans, the 5th, 8th, 10th, and 6th best, respectively. I will say that Hornets fans are the 3rd best in the NBA's Southwest Division, which is still pretty decent." Paul added that, in the interest of full disclosure, he had to admit the Hornets would probably not bring home an NBA Championship within the next 10 years, although he himself would do so as part of the New York Knicks.

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