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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Honest, Hardworking Man Leans Against Reliable Pickup Truck

THE AMERICAN WEST—As early-evening light slanted through the slowly settling dust of a rugged, rustic backdrop, an honest and hardworking man hitched his thumbs into faded jeans, fixed his steel blue eyes on the horizon, and leaned against a reliable American-made pickup truck, sources said Tuesday. Moments after tossing his tools and cargo into the battered but sturdy truck bed—the weight of which caused the chassis to shift satisfyingly from left to right—the man reportedly whistled for his faithful brown dog to jump into the cab of the iconic vehicle, which wore its coating of mud as a general wears his uniform. At press time, strains of an anthemic rock ballad were rising in volume as the truck drove off, kicking up rocks and dirt in a slow-motion testament to simple men everywhere who work with their hands and lead with their hearts.

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