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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Local Man Thinking About Becoming Asshole

SCARSDALE, NY—Saying he had been considering the lifestyle change for a while now, local man Pete Halloran told reporters Friday that he was thinking about becoming an asshole.
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Honest, Hardworking Man Leans Against Reliable Pickup Truck

THE AMERICAN WEST—As early-evening light slanted through the slowly settling dust of a rugged, rustic backdrop, an honest and hardworking man hitched his thumbs into faded jeans, fixed his steel blue eyes on the horizon, and leaned against a reliable American-made pickup truck, sources said Tuesday. Moments after tossing his tools and cargo into the battered but sturdy truck bed—the weight of which caused the chassis to shift satisfyingly from left to right—the man reportedly whistled for his faithful brown dog to jump into the cab of the iconic vehicle, which wore its coating of mud as a general wears his uniform. At press time, strains of an anthemic rock ballad were rising in volume as the truck drove off, kicking up rocks and dirt in a slow-motion testament to simple men everywhere who work with their hands and lead with their hearts.

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Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

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