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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Honest, Hardworking Man Leans Against Reliable Pickup Truck

THE AMERICAN WEST—As early-evening light slanted through the slowly settling dust of a rugged, rustic backdrop, an honest and hardworking man hitched his thumbs into faded jeans, fixed his steel blue eyes on the horizon, and leaned against a reliable American-made pickup truck, sources said Tuesday. Moments after tossing his tools and cargo into the battered but sturdy truck bed—the weight of which caused the chassis to shift satisfyingly from left to right—the man reportedly whistled for his faithful brown dog to jump into the cab of the iconic vehicle, which wore its coating of mud as a general wears his uniform. At press time, strains of an anthemic rock ballad were rising in volume as the truck drove off, kicking up rocks and dirt in a slow-motion testament to simple men everywhere who work with their hands and lead with their hearts.

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