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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Hope In Students' Eyes Too Much For Screenwriting Teacher To Handle This Week

LOS ANGELES—Spending his Tuesday office hours meeting individually with each student in his Screenwriting II class at the University of California, Los Angeles, part-time lecturer Sam Albrecht, 33, told reporters that the eagerness and optimism in his students’ gazes had become too much for him to bear. “There’s this earnest twinkle in their eyes when they look at you, like they really believe they have a chance, and—I’m sorry, but it just tears me to pieces,” said the man who has written 20 screenplays but never had one produced. “I really don’t know if I can keep it together through another four hours of these kids talking about the third-act problems they’re so sure they can work out.” At press time, Albrecht was reportedly choking back tears as he forced himself to indulge a sophomore’s speculation about which Hollywood actors she imagined in her script’s roles, and to agree that Steven Soderbergh could indeed be a good choice for directing it.

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