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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Horde Of Orange Monsters Exits Local Tanning Salon

HOBOKEN, NJ—Terrifying every innocent bystander in its wake, a menagerie of hideously hued orange beasts burst from the Hollywood Tans on Washington Street Tuesday and marched aimlessly through the downtown area in a macabre parade of unspeakable grotesquerie. "The horror!" local resident Julie Hollingsworth said as she stood frozen, blinded by the glare of the creatures' luminous white teeth. "My eyes! My eyes are besieged! What evil forces have entered these unearthly sacks of blistered leather and made them dance so revoltingly?" According to traumatized witnesses, the monsters communicated with one another in a series of high-pitched, unrecognizable shrieks, possibly calling for the doom of all mankind or perhaps asking for the location of the nearest Pinkberry.

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