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Nation's Hardass Cops Finally Find Time To Play Games

In a sudden departure from their long-held stance of not being here to play games and not, in fact, having the time to play games, the nation’s hardass cops announced Wednesday they had finally carved out a couple hours during which games could be p...

Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Horde Of Orange Monsters Exits Local Tanning Salon

HOBOKEN, NJ—Terrifying every innocent bystander in its wake, a menagerie of hideously hued orange beasts burst from the Hollywood Tans on Washington Street Tuesday and marched aimlessly through the downtown area in a macabre parade of unspeakable grotesquerie. "The horror!" local resident Julie Hollingsworth said as she stood frozen, blinded by the glare of the creatures' luminous white teeth. "My eyes! My eyes are besieged! What evil forces have entered these unearthly sacks of blistered leather and made them dance so revoltingly?" According to traumatized witnesses, the monsters communicated with one another in a series of high-pitched, unrecognizable shrieks, possibly calling for the doom of all mankind or perhaps asking for the location of the nearest Pinkberry.

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