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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Horde Of Orange Monsters Exits Local Tanning Salon

HOBOKEN, NJ—Terrifying every innocent bystander in its wake, a menagerie of hideously hued orange beasts burst from the Hollywood Tans on Washington Street Tuesday and marched aimlessly through the downtown area in a macabre parade of unspeakable grotesquerie. "The horror!" local resident Julie Hollingsworth said as she stood frozen, blinded by the glare of the creatures' luminous white teeth. "My eyes! My eyes are besieged! What evil forces have entered these unearthly sacks of blistered leather and made them dance so revoltingly?" According to traumatized witnesses, the monsters communicated with one another in a series of high-pitched, unrecognizable shrieks, possibly calling for the doom of all mankind or perhaps asking for the location of the nearest Pinkberry.

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