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New York City Abuzz Over New Resident

NEW YORK—With word spreading rapidly through office towers, apartment buildings, and across all five boroughs, sources confirmed Friday that New Yorkers were abuzz over reports that a new resident had moved to the city.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Ranking Women Somehow Not Issue In Miss USA Debacle

NEW YORK—As backlash against the Miss USA pageant continues to spread following controversial anti-immigration remarks made by the contest’s owner, Donald Trump, sources confirmed this week that the overt ranking of women is somehow not a part of the ongoing nationwide outrage.

Insurance Only Covers Generic Heart Transplant

GALLATIN, TN—Saying he will just have to trust that the new organ he receives is as good as the other options out there, local man Keith Palmero confirmed Tuesday that his insurance provider would only cover a generic heart for his upcoming transplant surgery.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • The Onion’s Guide To Beach Etiquette

    The arrival of summer means that the nation’s beaches will soon be crowded with swimmers, tanners, surfers, and more, so it’s important for everyone to be conscious of each other’s space and needs. Here are some etiquette tips to ensure that everyone has a safe and relaxing time at the beach:

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Horoscope Test

10…9…8…7…6…5… 4…3…2…1…Happy New Ye-—oops! I’ve already broken all of my resolutions! Hello again, loyal readers and fellow residents from the yesteryear of 2009! The holiday season has finally come to a close, and not a moment too soon. Between all the office parties and dinners with the in-laws—and the other things I actually wanted to do—well…I’m just plain (reindeer) pooped! Yes, two months of spreading cheer has really taken a toll on ol’ Saint Roger. Frankly, I’m surprised the New Year’s ball was the only thing that dropped at the end of December. I was tired enough to drop, too!aIs it just me, or did this year’s Yuletide seem a little fa-la-la-la-looong? From Thanksgiving to Hanukkah to Christmas to Kwaanza to New Year’s…. Hey, when exactly did I sign up to run this Merry-thon (marathon)? I swear, if I hear one more Christmas carol, I’m going to Rudolph all over my Christmas Shoes. This Winter Wonderland is quickly becoming a Winter Wonder-when-it-will-end-land. How about we get to the Last Noel already? Check, please! I don’t know about you guys, but it feels like I started eating turkey, hanging holly, and buying presents last year. Oh, wait. I did! But seriously, I couldn’t be happier that we’ve finally made it to 2010. It seemed like the distant future five years ago, when I promised my wife Rosemary that I would sell a book by 2010 or go back to hotel managing. But now that we’re here, I’ve got only one thing to ask you: Dude, where’s my hovercar? Honestly! I’ve seen enough Schwarzenegger classics to know the future is supposed to be much, much cooler than it is now. By 2010, we should have things like laser guns and supercomputers. Instead, we’ve got a stagnant economy, the Segway, and Congress. (And we’re still waiting for that last one to become intelligent.) The wife says she can’t wait another year for this “comedy thing” to pan out? Well, I can’t wait another year for food in pill form and holograms! Heck, I wouldn’t even mind obeying an all-knowing dictator who watches over me constantly and judges everything I do. Er, someone besides my mother-in-law, that is. Yikes! That woman makes the Thought Police look like Barney Fife. Oh, (big) brother! At any rate, 2010 is going to see a whole new Roger Dudek. I’ve made some very important New Year’s resolutions. Of course, with my track record, maybe I should start calling them “reso-loose-tions.” Because they couldn’t be looser! Last year I resolved to stop eating fast food. Three days later I was begging the girl at McDonald’s to “take her sweet time with those Big Macs.” The only will power I have is the power to leave all my worldly possessions to Rosemary when I die. (I hope she likes VHS tapes of Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts and well-worn bathroom readers!) More like won’t power! Reso-loose-tion No. 1: Spend more time with the twins. I know they say “Kids grow up fast,” and that’s certainly true with my girls. But, let me tell you, they’re going in more directions than just “up”! In fact, they’re going every which way at once! They’ve got school and soccer practice and band practice and hanging out at the mall and “none of your business, Dad.” (That seems to be their favorite hang-out spot!) In fact, they bounce around in so many directions I’m not sure if they’re getting older or I’m seeing tracers as they enter warp speed! Reso-loose-tion No. 2: Get a copy of my book, Memoirs Of A Guy-sha, to Mr. Saturday Night, the great Billy Crystal. What with the publishing industry disappearing faster than Jack Nicholson’s hairline and my book agent no longer taking my calls, it looks like I have to use all my connections to get this thing sold. Let’s just hope my connections are still, er, connected. Otherwise, my situation is going to be like a second-rate USO tour: Hope-less! Reso-loose-tion No. 3: Learn a new word every day. Today my wife’s sister invited us over for dinner, so I think I’m going to start with “no!” Happy Back to Work-days, everyone! If you need me, I’ll be at Burger King eating one french fry every three minutes! O

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