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The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Facebook Clarifies Site Not Intended To Be Users’ Primary Information Source

‘No One Should Really Be On Here More Than 15 Minutes A Day,’ Say Executives

MENLO PARK, CA—Addressing concerns about the site’s alleged bias in how it displays news stories in users’ feeds, Facebook executives held a press conference Thursday to clarify that the social network was not intended to serve as anyone’s primary source of information, and that its 1.6 billion active users should, at most, be spending 15 minutes on the platform in a given day in the first place.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.
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10…9…8…7…6…5… 4…3…2…1…Happy New Ye-—oops! I’ve already broken all of my resolutions! Hello again, loyal readers and fellow residents from the yesteryear of 2009! The holiday season has finally come to a close, and not a moment too soon. Between all the office parties and dinners with the in-laws—and the other things I actually wanted to do—well…I’m just plain (reindeer) pooped! Yes, two months of spreading cheer has really taken a toll on ol’ Saint Roger. Frankly, I’m surprised the New Year’s ball was the only thing that dropped at the end of December. I was tired enough to drop, too!aIs it just me, or did this year’s Yuletide seem a little fa-la-la-la-looong? From Thanksgiving to Hanukkah to Christmas to Kwaanza to New Year’s…. Hey, when exactly did I sign up to run this Merry-thon (marathon)? I swear, if I hear one more Christmas carol, I’m going to Rudolph all over my Christmas Shoes. This Winter Wonderland is quickly becoming a Winter Wonder-when-it-will-end-land. How about we get to the Last Noel already? Check, please! I don’t know about you guys, but it feels like I started eating turkey, hanging holly, and buying presents last year. Oh, wait. I did! But seriously, I couldn’t be happier that we’ve finally made it to 2010. It seemed like the distant future five years ago, when I promised my wife Rosemary that I would sell a book by 2010 or go back to hotel managing. But now that we’re here, I’ve got only one thing to ask you: Dude, where’s my hovercar? Honestly! I’ve seen enough Schwarzenegger classics to know the future is supposed to be much, much cooler than it is now. By 2010, we should have things like laser guns and supercomputers. Instead, we’ve got a stagnant economy, the Segway, and Congress. (And we’re still waiting for that last one to become intelligent.) The wife says she can’t wait another year for this “comedy thing” to pan out? Well, I can’t wait another year for food in pill form and holograms! Heck, I wouldn’t even mind obeying an all-knowing dictator who watches over me constantly and judges everything I do. Er, someone besides my mother-in-law, that is. Yikes! That woman makes the Thought Police look like Barney Fife. Oh, (big) brother! At any rate, 2010 is going to see a whole new Roger Dudek. I’ve made some very important New Year’s resolutions. Of course, with my track record, maybe I should start calling them “reso-loose-tions.” Because they couldn’t be looser! Last year I resolved to stop eating fast food. Three days later I was begging the girl at McDonald’s to “take her sweet time with those Big Macs.” The only will power I have is the power to leave all my worldly possessions to Rosemary when I die. (I hope she likes VHS tapes of Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts and well-worn bathroom readers!) More like won’t power! Reso-loose-tion No. 1: Spend more time with the twins. I know they say “Kids grow up fast,” and that’s certainly true with my girls. But, let me tell you, they’re going in more directions than just “up”! In fact, they’re going every which way at once! They’ve got school and soccer practice and band practice and hanging out at the mall and “none of your business, Dad.” (That seems to be their favorite hang-out spot!) In fact, they bounce around in so many directions I’m not sure if they’re getting older or I’m seeing tracers as they enter warp speed! Reso-loose-tion No. 2: Get a copy of my book, Memoirs Of A Guy-sha, to Mr. Saturday Night, the great Billy Crystal. What with the publishing industry disappearing faster than Jack Nicholson’s hairline and my book agent no longer taking my calls, it looks like I have to use all my connections to get this thing sold. Let’s just hope my connections are still, er, connected. Otherwise, my situation is going to be like a second-rate USO tour: Hope-less! Reso-loose-tion No. 3: Learn a new word every day. Today my wife’s sister invited us over for dinner, so I think I’m going to start with “no!” Happy Back to Work-days, everyone! If you need me, I’ll be at Burger King eating one french fry every three minutes! O

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