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Grievances Brought Up With Powerless Supervisor

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Fed up with an increasing workload and problems with his coworkers at CLG Software, project coordinator William Garsten reportedly took a list of grievances Wednesday to supervisor Todd Watkins, a middle manager utterly powerless to...

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Horrible Bitch Of An Ex-Girlfriend Missed Terribly

SAN JOSE, CA—More than four months after the couple's break-up, Jeff Knolpe continues to miss total hell-bitch Amanda Moret terribly, it was reported Monday.

Jeff Knolpe and Amanda Moret in happier times, during a 1997 vacation to Ixtapa, Mexico.

"Amanda is just a spoiled little rich girl who's always gotten everything she's ever wanted because of a pretty face and fantastic body," said Knolpe, 27, staring at a photograph of Moret. "Did she just forget it was my birthday last week? That bitch couldn't even spare two fucking minutes to call? God, I can't stand her."

According to Knolpe, on Jan. 5, without any warning, the scheming psycho-bitch ended their three-year relationship in the cruelest manner possible.

"That fucking nut-job purposely broke up with me the night before my brother's wedding. She intentionally waited until I was at my happiest and then, out of nowhere, she lowered the boom," Knolpe said. "Shit, I really wanted her to meet my grandparents that night. They would have loved her."

Moret, 25, declined comment, expressing a desire to "get on with my life."

The couple first began having relationship problems in July 1996, just three months after meeting, when Knolpe discovered that Moret had been sleeping with a co-worker. When he confronted her about it, she accused him of "causing all of this by never trusting me from the start." Knolpe immediately apologized.

Problems continued to plague the couple throughout their relationship. "Nothing I ever did was good enough for Miss High And Fucking Mighty. She'd find an excuse to cut me down any chance she got: what I was wearing, who I hung out with, how I folded her sweaters," Knolpe said. "Well, fuck her. I bet she's already got some other guy doing her every bidding."

"I wonder who the poor sucker is," Knolpe added. "It had better not be that one lawyer asshole who was always calling. I hate that guy. She could do so much better."

For all the couple's problems, Knolpe still holds out hope for reconciliation.

"Amanda shit all over me for pretty much that whole last year, but if we got back together, I know we could work it out," said Knolpe, who loaned Moret $3,000 shortly after the break-up so she could "sort out her feelings" on a trip to Paris. "I know that deep down, she still loves me. That's why, even though she's a completely neurotic, insane, moody, horrible bitch, with all of her temper tantrums and endless demands, it's hard to break things off completely. We're just so good together."

Knolpe's friends, who have listened to countless hours of stories of Moret's selfishness, manipulativeness and constant lying—as well as her intelligence, capacity for tenderness and great prowess in bed—had been predicting and even advocating the breakup for years.

"Every couple of months, Amanda would threaten to dump Jeff, just to keep him under her thumb," said Tim Heuer, Knolpe's best friend, who twice was propositioned for sex by Moret. "I guess she finally left for good after laying all the blame on Jeff. The worst part is, it worked. I can't believe he's still bumming over that wench."

Despite the countless hours Knolpe has spent trying to explain to friends the complexities of the couple's relationship, they still do not understand.

"My friends all say I'm better off without her," Knolpe said. "But they have no idea what we went through together, or how special what we had was. And I know they never got to know the real Amanda."

Sources close to Knolpe said they expect he will wear his friends' patience thin, talking about his horrible bitch of an ex-girlfriend for at least another 15 months. Knolpe disagreed, vowing that he would soon put the entire episode behind him.

"You know what? Fuck Amanda Moret," he said. "Amanda told me she would love me forever. Well, then, why did she leave me alone? Because she's a fucking bitch liar, that's why."

Added Knolpe: "Maybe I should try calling again."

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