Horrible Bitch Of An Ex-Girlfriend Missed Terribly

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Vol 35 Issue 15

Stuff On Floor

LODI, NJ—The moist, brownish pile on the Gehrke living-room floor is either cat food or cat shit, it was reported Monday. "If I had to guess, I'd say it's cat food," said Lydia Gehrke, 44, staring at the mystery heap. "But the way Oscar's been digesting lately, cat shit is definitely a possibility, too." Though a long shot, Gehrke noted that it could also be cat vomit. "Whatever it is," she said, "it came from the cat."

Computer Analyst Unable To Fashion Crude Tools, Grind Wheat

SEATTLE—According to reports, computer analyst Isaac Glenn, who earns $120,000 a year organizing and upgrading computer networks, does not know how to fashion crude tools or grind wheat. "I guess to grind wheat, you'd probably cut it off the stalk and then maybe use some kind of crushing device to mash it until it's powder," Glenn said. "I don't really know what you'd do with it then. Maybe cook it, I guess." Glenn added that network administrators should use jacketed, certified cat-5 cable and keep runs perpendicular to electrical lines to prevent data integrity problems in 100BaseT networks.

HBO Presentation Fails To Deliver Promised 'Brief Nudity'

JACKSON, MS—As far as local resident Nate Childress can tell, the "brief nudity" promised in the HBO original movie Total Disclosure was not delivered at any point during the 93-minute film. "Were they talking about when you could see that one girl's bare back?" Childress asked. "Or maybe they meant the part where you could almost sort of see that blonde girl's ass through the panties. If that's what they meant, that's bullshit." Childress said the brief nudity may have occurred during the 10 seconds when he raced to the kitchen for a beer, but noted that he went for the beer during a scene set in a police station. "I highly doubt that any girls took their clothes off during the 10 seconds of police interrogating that I missed," he said.

Hasbro Pledges Additional 30 Marbles For Hippo-Hunger Relief

PAWTUCKET, RI—With global famine worsening, Hasbro pledged an additional 30 white marbles Monday to hippo-hunger relief efforts. "To see those starving, starving hippos just lying there, not knowing if they will ever get another chance to click and clack for life-giving marbles—it's too much for anyone to bear," Hasbro spokesperson Lisa Reiderer said. "We cannot stand idly by while these sweet, plastic creatures slowly die. It is up to all of us to get the most marbles for our hippos."

You Know, I Used To Be Kind Of Cool Once

You know how, every so often, something you haven't thought about in the longest time will just sort of pop up out of nowhere, and all of a sudden you're like, "Hey... Wait a minute"? Well, that happened to me last week, when it occurred to me that I actually used to sort of be cool once.

The Return Of SDI

Alarmed by the development of nuclear weapons in China, North Korea, Iran and Iraq, Congress recently approved a scaled-back version of the 'Star Wars' missile-defense system of the Reagan Era. What do you think about the revival of this program?
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Horrible Bitch Of An Ex-Girlfriend Missed Terribly

SAN JOSE, CA—More than four months after the couple's break-up, Jeff Knolpe continues to miss total hell-bitch Amanda Moret terribly, it was reported Monday.

Jeff Knolpe and Amanda Moret in happier times, during a 1997 vacation to Ixtapa, Mexico.

"Amanda is just a spoiled little rich girl who's always gotten everything she's ever wanted because of a pretty face and fantastic body," said Knolpe, 27, staring at a photograph of Moret. "Did she just forget it was my birthday last week? That bitch couldn't even spare two fucking minutes to call? God, I can't stand her."

According to Knolpe, on Jan. 5, without any warning, the scheming psycho-bitch ended their three-year relationship in the cruelest manner possible.

"That fucking nut-job purposely broke up with me the night before my brother's wedding. She intentionally waited until I was at my happiest and then, out of nowhere, she lowered the boom," Knolpe said. "Shit, I really wanted her to meet my grandparents that night. They would have loved her."

Moret, 25, declined comment, expressing a desire to "get on with my life."

The couple first began having relationship problems in July 1996, just three months after meeting, when Knolpe discovered that Moret had been sleeping with a co-worker. When he confronted her about it, she accused him of "causing all of this by never trusting me from the start." Knolpe immediately apologized.

Problems continued to plague the couple throughout their relationship. "Nothing I ever did was good enough for Miss High And Fucking Mighty. She'd find an excuse to cut me down any chance she got: what I was wearing, who I hung out with, how I folded her sweaters," Knolpe said. "Well, fuck her. I bet she's already got some other guy doing her every bidding."

"I wonder who the poor sucker is," Knolpe added. "It had better not be that one lawyer asshole who was always calling. I hate that guy. She could do so much better."

For all the couple's problems, Knolpe still holds out hope for reconciliation.

"Amanda shit all over me for pretty much that whole last year, but if we got back together, I know we could work it out," said Knolpe, who loaned Moret $3,000 shortly after the break-up so she could "sort out her feelings" on a trip to Paris. "I know that deep down, she still loves me. That's why, even though she's a completely neurotic, insane, moody, horrible bitch, with all of her temper tantrums and endless demands, it's hard to break things off completely. We're just so good together."

Knolpe's friends, who have listened to countless hours of stories of Moret's selfishness, manipulativeness and constant lying—as well as her intelligence, capacity for tenderness and great prowess in bed—had been predicting and even advocating the breakup for years.

"Every couple of months, Amanda would threaten to dump Jeff, just to keep him under her thumb," said Tim Heuer, Knolpe's best friend, who twice was propositioned for sex by Moret. "I guess she finally left for good after laying all the blame on Jeff. The worst part is, it worked. I can't believe he's still bumming over that wench."

Despite the countless hours Knolpe has spent trying to explain to friends the complexities of the couple's relationship, they still do not understand.

"My friends all say I'm better off without her," Knolpe said. "But they have no idea what we went through together, or how special what we had was. And I know they never got to know the real Amanda."

Sources close to Knolpe said they expect he will wear his friends' patience thin, talking about his horrible bitch of an ex-girlfriend for at least another 15 months. Knolpe disagreed, vowing that he would soon put the entire episode behind him.

"You know what? Fuck Amanda Moret," he said. "Amanda told me she would love me forever. Well, then, why did she leave me alone? Because she's a fucking bitch liar, that's why."

Added Knolpe: "Maybe I should try calling again."

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