Horrible Bitch Of An Ex-Girlfriend Missed Terribly

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Grin Slowly Spreads Across Mom’s Face As Meal Revealed To Contain Healthy Ingredients

‘The Mashed Potatoes Are Actually Made With Cauliflower,’ She Announces

VERONA, WI—Having waited until everyone at the table had finished their dinner Monday, a knowing grin reportedly spread across local mother Angela Hopkins’ face as she announced to her family that the mashed potatoes had in fact been made using cauliflower as a healthier alternative.

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VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Grieving family members of local aunt Laurie Shelton confirmed Monday that the 48-year-old woman’s unexpected death had caused a major breach in their gossip pipeline, suddenly disrupting access to the latest dirt on all their relatives.

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45-Minute Phone Call To Credit Card Company Goes Great

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Mom Keeping Tabs On Coyote Situation

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Teen Coming Out Of Shell Giving Bully Lots Of New Material To Work With

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Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks

SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.

Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

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Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Horrible Bitch Of An Ex-Girlfriend Missed Terribly

SAN JOSE, CA—More than four months after the couple's break-up, Jeff Knolpe continues to miss total hell-bitch Amanda Moret terribly, it was reported Monday.

Jeff Knolpe and Amanda Moret in happier times, during a 1997 vacation to Ixtapa, Mexico.

"Amanda is just a spoiled little rich girl who's always gotten everything she's ever wanted because of a pretty face and fantastic body," said Knolpe, 27, staring at a photograph of Moret. "Did she just forget it was my birthday last week? That bitch couldn't even spare two fucking minutes to call? God, I can't stand her."

According to Knolpe, on Jan. 5, without any warning, the scheming psycho-bitch ended their three-year relationship in the cruelest manner possible.

"That fucking nut-job purposely broke up with me the night before my brother's wedding. She intentionally waited until I was at my happiest and then, out of nowhere, she lowered the boom," Knolpe said. "Shit, I really wanted her to meet my grandparents that night. They would have loved her."

Moret, 25, declined comment, expressing a desire to "get on with my life."

The couple first began having relationship problems in July 1996, just three months after meeting, when Knolpe discovered that Moret had been sleeping with a co-worker. When he confronted her about it, she accused him of "causing all of this by never trusting me from the start." Knolpe immediately apologized.

Problems continued to plague the couple throughout their relationship. "Nothing I ever did was good enough for Miss High And Fucking Mighty. She'd find an excuse to cut me down any chance she got: what I was wearing, who I hung out with, how I folded her sweaters," Knolpe said. "Well, fuck her. I bet she's already got some other guy doing her every bidding."

"I wonder who the poor sucker is," Knolpe added. "It had better not be that one lawyer asshole who was always calling. I hate that guy. She could do so much better."

For all the couple's problems, Knolpe still holds out hope for reconciliation.

"Amanda shit all over me for pretty much that whole last year, but if we got back together, I know we could work it out," said Knolpe, who loaned Moret $3,000 shortly after the break-up so she could "sort out her feelings" on a trip to Paris. "I know that deep down, she still loves me. That's why, even though she's a completely neurotic, insane, moody, horrible bitch, with all of her temper tantrums and endless demands, it's hard to break things off completely. We're just so good together."

Knolpe's friends, who have listened to countless hours of stories of Moret's selfishness, manipulativeness and constant lying—as well as her intelligence, capacity for tenderness and great prowess in bed—had been predicting and even advocating the breakup for years.

"Every couple of months, Amanda would threaten to dump Jeff, just to keep him under her thumb," said Tim Heuer, Knolpe's best friend, who twice was propositioned for sex by Moret. "I guess she finally left for good after laying all the blame on Jeff. The worst part is, it worked. I can't believe he's still bumming over that wench."

Despite the countless hours Knolpe has spent trying to explain to friends the complexities of the couple's relationship, they still do not understand.

"My friends all say I'm better off without her," Knolpe said. "But they have no idea what we went through together, or how special what we had was. And I know they never got to know the real Amanda."

Sources close to Knolpe said they expect he will wear his friends' patience thin, talking about his horrible bitch of an ex-girlfriend for at least another 15 months. Knolpe disagreed, vowing that he would soon put the entire episode behind him.

"You know what? Fuck Amanda Moret," he said. "Amanda told me she would love me forever. Well, then, why did she leave me alone? Because she's a fucking bitch liar, that's why."

Added Knolpe: "Maybe I should try calling again."