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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Horrible Boogie Boarding Accident Leaves Man Totally Bummed Below The Neck

ENCINITAS, CA—Local boogie boarder Kevin McLean was hospitalized Friday following an accident that left the 25-year-old completely bummed from the neck down, according to doctors. “On arrival, gnarly complications had already wiped out much of Kevin’s mobility, leaving him in mondo knots and dangerously elevating his body’s levels of weak sauce,” said Scripps Memorial Hospital’s Dr. Aaron Muriel, who described the accident as “hella, hella tragic” but encouraged McLean and his family to hang loose and maintain a tubular perspective if possible. “Unfortunately, his spinal cord is also effin’ cashed, so it may be months or even years before he regains any righteousness in his extremities. Frankly, we’re just psyched he’s alive.” At press time, McLean remained in mad bogus condition.

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