Horribly Depressed Zookeeper Has Always Had Special Connection With Animals

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Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.
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Coworkers Pull Off Daring One-Hour Lunch Break

TUCSON, AZ—Saying they couldn’t believe such a wild exploit had even been attempted, employees at local marketing firm Synergy Media Services told reporters they were still completely dumbfounded Thursday after account manager Tim Gibbons managed to pull off a daring one-hour lunch break.

Horribly Depressed Zookeeper Has Always Had Special Connection With Animals

TULSA, OK—Saying that he has always perceived a “unique connection,” chronically depressed zookeeper Andrew Holcomb, 46, told reporters Wednesday that he shares a deep and special bond with the animals confined in his zoo.

Holcomb, a senior caretaker at the Tulsa Zoo, explained that he feels an innate kinship with the captive creatures under his watch, a tie that is said to have only strengthened with his increasingly frequent and crippling bouts of melancholy, low affect, and disenchantment with the world around him.

“I’ve always felt very close to the animals here,” said the depressive, who spends the vast majority of his time moving in a pitifully small radius between his home and workplace. “I feel a renewed connection with them each morning when I come in and see them pacing endlessly back and forth in their cages or sitting in the same corner of their enclosure that I last saw them in the night before. It’s like we understand one another on some deeper level.”

“We just seem to get each other,” Holcomb added, staring back at reporters with downtrodden, lifeless eyes.

The clinically depressed Holcomb—whose existence is reportedly marked by a dreary cycle of purposelessly milling about, eating the same packaged lunch day in and day out, and sleeping for as long as 12 hours a night—said that he has always felt most comfortable in the presence of the mammals, birds, and reptiles at his zoo. The despondent and aimless animal caretaker, who reportedly has spent his entire professional career within the confines of the Tulsa Zoo, says that he sees in the wildlife park’s attractions “a certain something” that especially resonates with him.

The man whose utterly unfulfilling social life consists of lethargic interactions with the same five coworkers acknowledged feeling a uniquely strong connection with certain animals in particular, as he gestured toward a small group of western lowland gorillas listlessly slumping on the other side of a Plexiglas divider.

“The great apes really speak to me on almost a spiritual level, I’d say,” said the mentally unwell man, who occasionally suffers panic attacks that cause him to pound his fists in helpless rage on the countertop in his small ranch house. “It’s almost as if we’re on the same wavelength. There’s a real link between us.”

The zookeeper, whose profound anxiety and mood disorders have left him socially isolated, poorly nourished, and have caused him to steadily lose his hair, admitted that while he appreciates the special bond he feels with the animals in the zoo’s enclosures, he often considers other paths his life could have taken if he had not been recruited by the zoo and settled in Tulsa two decades ago.

In spite of such frequent daydreams of life outside the park, the perpetually downcast zookeeper admitted that working in the same place day in and day out is all he knows anymore, and that, at this point, he has become resigned to the idea that he will stay at the facility for the rest of his working life.

A number of individuals who have observed Holcomb at the zoo confirmed his deeply depressed state, noting that the middle-aged man appeared visibly forlorn and acquiescent to his condition.

“I see Andrew once in a while wandering around the grounds,” said concessionaire Janine Stack, who claimed the zookeeper always appeared poorly groomed and seemed to be missing a certain “spark” or liveliness that one might expect of a zoologist in the field. “He seems so sullen and doesn’t look particularly healthy—you really can’t help but stare at him.”

“Whenever I see him, I feel a little bad for the way his life has gone,” she added. “But then I just move on and put him out of my mind altogether.”