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Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
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Horrified Pope Calls Philadelphia Humanity’s Greatest Sin Against God

PHILADELPHIA—Visibly aghast as he took the pulpit at the Cathedral Basilica of Saints Peter and Paul in Philadelphia to deliver a sermon Saturday, a horrified Pope Francis reportedly referred to the city as a “blighted abomination, forsaken by Heaven” and “humanity’s greatest sin against God.” “In my travels, I have seen countless examples of man’s inhumanity toward his fellow man, the most utter wretchedness, and the vilest iniquity, but in this place and in these people I see a darkness blacker than all the world’s evils. God has fled this town,” said the ashen-faced pontiff, recoiling in disgust from the assembled crowd while describing the Philadelphia metro area as “the only corner of Creation where the light of the Lord does not shine.” “The love of Christ falls upon us all, even the lowliest of the low—but not Philadelphia. Touch me not, for you are the unholiest of all that is unholy. I can offer no blessings here, where all that is, and all who are, are an affront to God.” After concluding his prepared remarks, the pope reportedly led the congregation in a prayer for God to rain cleansing fire and brimstone over the city and then salt the smoldering Earth so that no wickedness could ever again arise in its place.


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Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.

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