Horrified Teen Stumbles Upon Divorced Mom's Personal Ad

In This Section

After Birth

Baby-Naming Tips For New Moms

Mothershould’s Grace Manning-Devlin breaks down some of the hottest baby names of the year, such as Cooper, Tanner, Milkman, and Serf.

Pros And Cons Of Standardized Testing

As the American education system continues to place more emphasis on standardized testing to measure academic achievement, critics have argued that it can be more harmful than helpful to students’ development in the long run. Here are some of the pros and cons of standardized testing:

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Blog Post Read By Mother To Shape Child’s Next 18 Years

PAOLI, PA—Poised to inform future parenting decisions on medical care, dietary restrictions, and everyday well-being, the blog post “Fluoride Drops For Kids—Good Idea?” which was read by local mother Laurie Miller earlier today, will reportedly shape the next 18 years of her young child’s life.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Pros And Cons Of Screen Time For Kids

As technology becomes more of a staple in everyday family life, parents are making choices about how much screen time to allow their children—and asking questions about how computers, phones, and TVs might help or hinder a child’s development.

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Kids Teary-Eyed After Helping Dad Move Into First Apartment

BOWLING GREEN, OH—With their father marking the start of an important new phase in his life, the children of local man Barry Hunt told reporters they got a bit teary-eyed after helping the 49-year-old move into his first apartment Thursday. Teenager...

Supreme Court Gathers To Watch Baby Justices Hatch

WASHINGTON—Crowding around a small glass incubator in their personal chambers for a better vantage point, all nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly gathered Tuesday to watch a brood of baby justices hatch from their eggs.

Allowance To Teach Child Importance Of Parental Dependence

MUNCIE, IN—Saying that they wanted to instill lifelong financial habits in their young son, the parents of 9-year-old Jeremy Lambert explained to reporters Monday that they give him a weekly $10 allowance to teach him the importance of parental depe...

Sesame Street’s 45th Anniversary: A Look Back

Sesame Street, the long-running PBS children’s television show starring a cast of Jim Henson muppets who teach children basic learning concepts and introduce them to difficult issues, turns 45 this week.

The Pros And Cons Of Freezing Your Eggs

As more women choose to pursue professional, educational, or personal goals before starting a family later in life, many consider freezing their eggs as a way of prolonging their fertility.

Homeless Child Apparently Unaware He Lives In Nanny State

NEW YORK—Considering how these days the government in this country coddles its citizens from the cradle to the grave, an 11-year-old boy currently homeless on the streets of New York must be unaware he lives in a nanny state, reports confirmed this ...

The Cost Of Raising A Child

According to a new report by the USDA, the cost of raising a child until age 18 now exceeds $245,000, after which many parents will also have to foot the bill for college.

Area Mom Raving About Phoenix Airport

AURORA, IL—Noting its impressive collection of shops, restaurants, and transit options during a phone call with her daughter, local mother Carol Wingfield expressed her admiration for Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport in the strongest terms, ...

Hands-Off Mom Lets Kids Create Own Psychological Issues

BOLTON, VT—Saying it’s important for parents to avoid simply passing their own neuroses on to their children, area mother Tricia Eakins told reporters Monday she believes in taking a hands-off approach and letting her kids develop their own ps...

Teacher Picks Wrong Student To Believe In Every Fucking Year

ROUND ROCK, TX—Frustrated at her repeated inability to steer a struggling young person in the right direction, McClintock High School English teacher Jan Broderic said Tuesday that she picks the wrong student to believe in every fucking year. Broder...

Grasshopper Dismembered By Future Supreme Court Justice

CASTLE ROCK, CO—Nearly 45 years before he is to be appointed to the Supreme Court by the 51st president of the United States, Lucas Bevins, 8, reportedly spent Thursday afternoon ripping the legs and antennae off of a grasshopper he found in his bac...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.


  • Sports Drink Company Putting First Advertisement On Moon

    Japanese pharmaceutical company Otsuka has announced plans to put their sports drink Pocari Sweat on the moon in a specially equipped container bearing their logo, which, if successful, would be the first time a commercial product has been flown to the mo...

Horrified Teen Stumbles Upon Divorced Mom's Personal Ad

NEWTON, MA—Derek Friedman, 16, was "shocked and disgusted" Tuesday, when he discovered a personal ad posted by his mother Susan on the popular online dating service Match.com.

A "seriously freaked out" Friedman scrolls through the Match.com web site.

Friedman, a junior at the Commonwealth School in Cambridge, MA, was in his room reading the personals listings with friends when he discovered his mother's ad.

"There were tons of hilarious personals for people right in my hometown," Friedman said. "All these pathetic people looking for 'friendship,' and these really horny people looking for 'a night of no-strings-attached passion,' and shit like that. But after I found Mom's ad, the other ads didn't seem so funny anymore."

SweetFunSue372's ad begins: "Attractive, divorced, 42-year-old woman who loves spending time outdoors, going to movies, and her 16-year-old son. Looking for a 40- to 50-year-old man to accompany me to museums, jazz clubs, and the beach. Afterwards, maybe we can come home and cuddle?"

James Phillips, Friedman's oldest friend, said he'd never seen Friedman so upset.

"Derek was reading the ad out loud," Phillips said. "To us, it sounded like a boring one—pretty standard. But we could tell something was up, because he kept reading more and more slowly. Then he started scrolling through the ad and shaking his head, as if he couldn't understand what he was reading."

When he clicked on the "See Picture" button, Friedman's worst fears were confirmed. Adding insult to injury, the photo of his mother was one Friedman had taken earlier this year.

According to Phillips, Friedman said "She hates the outdoors" three times, and then remained quiet for several minutes.

Friedman's friends were uncharacteristically circumspect about the disgusting ad. Their restraint was surprising, especially considering the teasing that Friedman has experienced in the past. Several of his classmates have repeatedly said they consider Friedman's mother "bangin'."

The only remarks came from Jared Ricks, a fellow junior at Commonwealth, who heard about the ad from Phillips.

"Yo, D, I left a voicemail for your moms but she ain't called me back," Ricks said. "I told her I like long walks and hot fucking."

The ad seems to explain a recent increase in phone calls to the Friedman household.

"We started getting a lot of calls to the house," Friedman said. "These guys would ask for Susan, but when I asked for their names, they'd act real awkward about it and ask to talk to Susan again. When I asked Mom about them, she said they were friends."

The stomach-turning ad.

"I knew the guys were asking her out, because she took the calls in the laundry room and laughed a lot," he added. "But I assumed [the callers] were people she'd met at work, or through friends or something. Even at the grocery store. I never thought she'd do anything like advertise herself."

Although the revolting personal ad disturbed Friedman, it was not the first sign that his mother, who divorced his father Michael in August 2001, was jump-starting her dating life.

"A few months ago, I was flipping through one of those underwear catalogs that my mom gets," Friedman said. "She'd circled all this black-lace, strapless stuff, and a couple of thongs. Now I know she's gonna wear that stuff for some guy she met on the Internet. That's so nasty."

Despite his initial shock, Friedman said he understands that his mother is an adult with a normal human desire for companionship.

"I know, I need to let her live her life and move on and everything," Friedman said. "And she's been lonely since she divorced Dad, but an Internet dating service? She must be so desperate. I never knew things were so bad for her."

According to psychiatrist Ann Cohen, author of Post-Divorce, Pre-Death, an event like Tuesday's discovery can shake a teenager's entire sexual worldview.

"A child's realization that his mother is a sexual being usually comes during pre-pubescence for boys, at around 11 or 12," Cohen said. "But that association fades quickly when the boy turns from an inexperienced child into a sexualized teenager. After that, the mother becomes an anti-sex-symbol, a purified ideal of womanhood who's above, or at least outside, the realm of normal animalistic impulses. For a teenager like Derek, it must be incredibly traumatic to see his mother put herself on the dating market like a side of beef."

Added Cohen: "Think about it—your own mom? Looking for sex? Disgusting!"

Next Story

After Birth Video