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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.
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Horse-Race Announcer Clearly Had Money on 'Little Dancer'

LOUISVILLE, KY—Judging by his call of Tuesday's third race at Churchill Downs, thoroughbred-race announcer Pat Ellis clearly had money on Little Dancer. "In the rear, trailing by 11 lengths, it's Little Dancer," said Ellis over Churchill Downs' public-address system. "Little Dancer not responding to the fast track like a lot of people insisted she would." Calling the race's exciting photo-finish between Indian Express and Kingston Kid, Ellis said: "And down the stretch they come! Indian Express and Kingston Kid neck and neck! Goddammit."

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