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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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HorseConnect, The Social Network For Horses, Bought For $1 Billion

PALO ALTO, CA—In an exciting development for what many tech insiders are calling the hottest startup in Silicon Valley, HorseConnect, the social network exclusively for horses, has been acquired for approximately $1 billion, sources confirmed Thursday. “When we heard of a website that allows horses to create personal profiles and connect with one another online, we knew we had to get in on the ground floor,” said venture capitalist Micah Sheridan, leader of the consortium of private investors who successfully completed the all-cash deal, adding that he anticipated every stallion, colt, and filly in America would eventually be using the burgeoning social media platform. “There’s a ton of buzz around this property, and for good reason: Once we expand into the global market, the revenue potential is enormous. No question, it’s a bright future for HorseConnect, and we’re going to be there every step of the way.” Despite Sheridan’s unwavering enthusiasm about his investment group’s acquisition, many analysts reportedly have expressed their concerns as to its long-term growth potential, pointing to the disastrous IPOs of competing equine social networks Foal Follow, YearLink, and MareFinder.

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