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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Hospital Comforts Patients With New Therapy Oyster Program

CHICAGO—As part of an effort to provide comfort and serenity to patients, officials at Mount Sinai Hospital have launched a new therapy oyster program that brings hundreds of the bivalve mollusks to the bedsides of those most in need of cheering up. “Our hospitals provide patients with the best medical care available, but the soothing presence of a therapy oyster can offer reassurance that no doctor can,” director Miriam Lucas said of the new program, which brings saltwater tanks of oysters to the rooms of ill and end-of-life patients for them to pet, cuddle, or simply have nearby during a difficult time. “There’s nothing quite like the way a weak, ailing patient’s face lights up when the therapy oysters arrive. Even just watching them filter plankton for 15 minutes a day can make all the difference in the world.” Lucas added that not only do the patients benefit from the therapy oyster program, the oysters seem to enjoy spending time with the patients too.

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