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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.
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Hospital Comforts Patients With New Therapy Oyster Program

CHICAGO—As part of an effort to provide comfort and serenity to patients, officials at Mount Sinai Hospital have launched a new therapy oyster program that brings hundreds of the bivalve mollusks to the bedsides of those most in need of cheering up. “Our hospitals provide patients with the best medical care available, but the soothing presence of a therapy oyster can offer reassurance that no doctor can,” director Miriam Lucas said of the new program, which brings saltwater tanks of oysters to the rooms of ill and end-of-life patients for them to pet, cuddle, or simply have nearby during a difficult time. “There’s nothing quite like the way a weak, ailing patient’s face lights up when the therapy oysters arrive. Even just watching them filter plankton for 15 minutes a day can make all the difference in the world.” Lucas added that not only do the patients benefit from the therapy oyster program, the oysters seem to enjoy spending time with the patients too.

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