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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Hostage With Family Really Lording It Over Everyone Else

CHICAGO—Rolling their eyes and sighing under their breath as they listened to the man babble on about how he had a wife and two young daughters at home, a group of individuals being held captive by gunmen in a Chicago warehouse reportedly grew annoyed at a fellow hostage Thursday who was lording the fact that he had a family over everyone else. “God, this asshole can’t go more than a few seconds without bringing up that he’s married and the father of a couple beautiful kids who he loves dearly—he just won’t stop rubbing it in everybody’s face,” said hostage Robert Greene, who added that the overbearing man made a big show of how fulfilling his personal life was by loudly telling the group’s captors that he and his wife had another child on the way. “When he said he was unable to bear the thought of his wife raising their kids alone, I just wanted to yell, ‘We get it; you’ve got a loving home and a perfect marriage, and we don’t. Whoop-dee-doo.’ Man, I wish he would shut the hell up.” At press time, sources reported that the completely insufferable man was taking his conspicuous display of good fortune to a whole new level by repeatedly whimpering his wife’s and children’s names in between heavy sobs.

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