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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Hostage With Family Really Lording It Over Everyone Else

CHICAGO—Rolling their eyes and sighing under their breath as they listened to the man babble on about how he had a wife and two young daughters at home, a group of individuals being held captive by gunmen in a Chicago warehouse reportedly grew annoyed at a fellow hostage Thursday who was lording the fact that he had a family over everyone else. “God, this asshole can’t go more than a few seconds without bringing up that he’s married and the father of a couple beautiful kids who he loves dearly—he just won’t stop rubbing it in everybody’s face,” said hostage Robert Greene, who added that the overbearing man made a big show of how fulfilling his personal life was by loudly telling the group’s captors that he and his wife had another child on the way. “When he said he was unable to bear the thought of his wife raising their kids alone, I just wanted to yell, ‘We get it; you’ve got a loving home and a perfect marriage, and we don’t. Whoop-dee-doo.’ Man, I wish he would shut the hell up.” At press time, sources reported that the completely insufferable man was taking his conspicuous display of good fortune to a whole new level by repeatedly whimpering his wife’s and children’s names in between heavy sobs.

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