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Oh Great, Another Woman Who Only Loves Me For My Complete Collection Of ‘Rurouni Kenshin’ Manga

Well isn’t that great—just great. Here I am, thinking I’ve finally met someone who’s perfect for me—she’s caring, smart, beautiful, and most of all, it seemed like she really got me. But I should have known better. Turns out she’s just like the rest of them, just another in a long line of women who only love me for my complete collection of the classic wandering samurai manga Rurouni Kenshin.

Disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings Not Living Up To Ridicule

LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

‘Our Town’ Cast Party Going Off The Rails

PEEKSKILL, NY—Describing a wild scene in which performers and stagehands were loudly conversing, laughing, and occasionally breaking back into their characters from the play, sources confirmed Sunday night that the cast party for the local production of Our Town is currently going off the rails.

Thieves Make Off With Museum’s Most Valuable Docents

CHICAGO—In what is being described as a sophisticated and well-executed heist, thieves stole nine of the Art Institute of Chicago’s most valuable docents in broad daylight this morning, according to museum and law enforcement officials.
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Hostel-Dwelling Swede Getting Laid Big-Time

NEW YORK–Anders Perssen, 23, a Swedish backpacker currently staying at the Chelsea International Youth Hostel, admitted Monday to getting "a great large amount of tail" during the first two weeks of his three-month tour of the U.S.

The much-laid Perssen sits on his bed at the hostel.

"Ja, is true," said the smiling Stockholm native. "I am getting laid big-time."

Perssen, who shares a dormitory-style room with five other men, said he has been "very lucky with ladies" ever since arriving in the U.S.

"I admit, it has been very easy to have the women to sleep with me," he said. "Much harder when I am home. Not impossible, I don't say. But, ja, harder."

"If I should have known this, I would have stay here before–every summer!" Perssen continued. "I would have come to America as soon as I was 18, just so I can get all the you-know-what whenever I want. But then I would have never leave, right?"

"No, I am kidding to you," added Perssen, turning serious for a moment. "I love Sweden. It is my home."

Dressed stylishly in a corduroy blazer and motorcycle boots, an English-Swedish dictionary tucked in the front pocket of his rumpled button-down shirt, Perssen said he makes a positive impression on American women with his European style of dress.

"The women, they say I dress nice, much better compared to American men who more dress in gym shoes," Perssen said. "The girl Gina at [local bar] the Half King say I look 'sophisticated.' I think she look sophisticated, too, but even better with the clothes off!"

Perssen's fellow hostel dwellers can attest to the mad action the Swede is getting.

"I go out to the bar on the weekend and everyone loves Anders," said Ewald Kist, 24, a Dutch traveler who has bunked with Perssen for the past eight days. "All the women, they say, 'Oh, I love your accent! Where are you from?' Or 'What is that cigarette you smoke? I never hear of Prince cigarette! Is that Swedish brand? Oh, so cool! Please to let me try one!' It work every time."

Shorter and less handsome than Perssen, Kist said he is doing "all right" himself, but cannot help but be impressed with Perssen's ability to reel it in.

"Anders is never even here at all most nights," Kist said. "He is paying for a bed for his backpack to sit on. But it is better for him this way, for sure. It is better, isn't it, Anders? The American women are good in bed, no?"

A sheepish Perssen waved the question away, but confirmed that he is definitely "getting some."

"On last Friday, I stay at the New York University on the campus in the room of Kristine," Perssen said. "On Sunday, I stay in apartment in the Eastern Village which is where the bands like the Ramones and The Talking Heads played. The girl, Brynn, was very beautiful. She had a tattoo. Ha, I will not say where, though. That is for me to know!"

In addition to Kristine and Brynn, Perssen has enjoyed the company of three other females in the past week: an advertising executive, an aspiring singer-songwriter, and a girl from Minneapolis staying with a friend at Columbia University.

"I go to the bar, and all I do is order my drink and the women ask me where I am from," Perssen said. "Sometimes, it is hard to choose between the friends, which one I want to talk to the most. Only, sometimes, by the end of the night, we do not just talk!"

According to Perssen, American women tend to know little about Swedish culture, but they are nonetheless eager to discuss it with him.

"They say Ingmar Bergman, then they say Pippi Longstockings, and then the Volvo car," Perssen said. "We talk about the bands–they sometimes know my favorite now, The Hives, or The Hellacopters or Sahara Hotnights, but they usually say ABBA. I do not like ABBA very much, but I am willing to sing along with them to the ABBA if it maybe will get me into the sack later."

Perssen confessed that last Saturday night, he participated in a bar sing-along to "Dancing Queen," the playful atmosphere culminating in a make-out session on the sidewalk outside of a Lower East Side bar.

Perssen, who plans to stay in New York another week before heading to Boston, said the attention from women has interfered with his efforts to see the city.

"There are so many things I mean to do here before I move on," Perssen said. "My first week, I visit the Metropolitan Art Museum and Times Square, and I go to the Central Park, but since then, I mostly concentrate on the hot chicks. It's a good idea, no?"

The Swede said he typically finds himself so tired from staying out late that he spends most days lounging in coffee shops or bookstores, resting up for the long night ahead.

"Maybe I will come back to New York when I am too old to want to get laid," Perssen said. "But right now, I see the real New York and party with the real people of New York, like Marissa and Shelley, who are both work at the jewelry store in Greenwich Village and live together in very small room. Marissa, with the red hair, and Shelley, with the dark hair and the very little waist."

"I will tell you this one thing more," Perssen continued. "I was thinking the American women might not like uncircumcised, but I will let you know that is not the case!"

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Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

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