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Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.
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Hostel-Dwelling Swede Getting Laid Big-Time

NEW YORK–Anders Perssen, 23, a Swedish backpacker currently staying at the Chelsea International Youth Hostel, admitted Monday to getting "a great large amount of tail" during the first two weeks of his three-month tour of the U.S.

The much-laid Perssen sits on his bed at the hostel.

"Ja, is true," said the smiling Stockholm native. "I am getting laid big-time."

Perssen, who shares a dormitory-style room with five other men, said he has been "very lucky with ladies" ever since arriving in the U.S.

"I admit, it has been very easy to have the women to sleep with me," he said. "Much harder when I am home. Not impossible, I don't say. But, ja, harder."

"If I should have known this, I would have stay here before–every summer!" Perssen continued. "I would have come to America as soon as I was 18, just so I can get all the you-know-what whenever I want. But then I would have never leave, right?"

"No, I am kidding to you," added Perssen, turning serious for a moment. "I love Sweden. It is my home."

Dressed stylishly in a corduroy blazer and motorcycle boots, an English-Swedish dictionary tucked in the front pocket of his rumpled button-down shirt, Perssen said he makes a positive impression on American women with his European style of dress.

"The women, they say I dress nice, much better compared to American men who more dress in gym shoes," Perssen said. "The girl Gina at [local bar] the Half King say I look 'sophisticated.' I think she look sophisticated, too, but even better with the clothes off!"

Perssen's fellow hostel dwellers can attest to the mad action the Swede is getting.

"I go out to the bar on the weekend and everyone loves Anders," said Ewald Kist, 24, a Dutch traveler who has bunked with Perssen for the past eight days. "All the women, they say, 'Oh, I love your accent! Where are you from?' Or 'What is that cigarette you smoke? I never hear of Prince cigarette! Is that Swedish brand? Oh, so cool! Please to let me try one!' It work every time."

Shorter and less handsome than Perssen, Kist said he is doing "all right" himself, but cannot help but be impressed with Perssen's ability to reel it in.

"Anders is never even here at all most nights," Kist said. "He is paying for a bed for his backpack to sit on. But it is better for him this way, for sure. It is better, isn't it, Anders? The American women are good in bed, no?"

A sheepish Perssen waved the question away, but confirmed that he is definitely "getting some."

"On last Friday, I stay at the New York University on the campus in the room of Kristine," Perssen said. "On Sunday, I stay in apartment in the Eastern Village which is where the bands like the Ramones and The Talking Heads played. The girl, Brynn, was very beautiful. She had a tattoo. Ha, I will not say where, though. That is for me to know!"

In addition to Kristine and Brynn, Perssen has enjoyed the company of three other females in the past week: an advertising executive, an aspiring singer-songwriter, and a girl from Minneapolis staying with a friend at Columbia University.

"I go to the bar, and all I do is order my drink and the women ask me where I am from," Perssen said. "Sometimes, it is hard to choose between the friends, which one I want to talk to the most. Only, sometimes, by the end of the night, we do not just talk!"

According to Perssen, American women tend to know little about Swedish culture, but they are nonetheless eager to discuss it with him.

"They say Ingmar Bergman, then they say Pippi Longstockings, and then the Volvo car," Perssen said. "We talk about the bands–they sometimes know my favorite now, The Hives, or The Hellacopters or Sahara Hotnights, but they usually say ABBA. I do not like ABBA very much, but I am willing to sing along with them to the ABBA if it maybe will get me into the sack later."

Perssen confessed that last Saturday night, he participated in a bar sing-along to "Dancing Queen," the playful atmosphere culminating in a make-out session on the sidewalk outside of a Lower East Side bar.

Perssen, who plans to stay in New York another week before heading to Boston, said the attention from women has interfered with his efforts to see the city.

"There are so many things I mean to do here before I move on," Perssen said. "My first week, I visit the Metropolitan Art Museum and Times Square, and I go to the Central Park, but since then, I mostly concentrate on the hot chicks. It's a good idea, no?"

The Swede said he typically finds himself so tired from staying out late that he spends most days lounging in coffee shops or bookstores, resting up for the long night ahead.

"Maybe I will come back to New York when I am too old to want to get laid," Perssen said. "But right now, I see the real New York and party with the real people of New York, like Marissa and Shelley, who are both work at the jewelry store in Greenwich Village and live together in very small room. Marissa, with the red hair, and Shelley, with the dark hair and the very little waist."

"I will tell you this one thing more," Perssen continued. "I was thinking the American women might not like uncircumcised, but I will let you know that is not the case!"

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