Hostel-Dwelling Swede Getting Laid Big-Time

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Vol 39 Issue 18

This Absolutely The Last Time Bouncer Cleans Up Vomit

LUBBOCK, TX–Bruce Kucharsky, 29, a bouncer at the Come Back Inn, announced Monday that this is "absolutely the last time" he is cleaning up vomit. "This is it," said Kucharsky, mopping up a chunky, peach-hued puddle near the pool table. "I'll clean up the puke this time, but next time, they're gonna find somebody else, or I quit. I ain't no fucking janitor." In his four months as a bouncer at the bar, Kucharsky estimated he has "wiped up chunder, like, at least 300 times."

Traveler Excited Hotel Has HBO Until He Checks Listing

ROCKFORD, IL–Stopping at a local Days Inn Tuesday, traveler Dan Peterson, 27, was delighted to discover that the motel featured the premium channel HBO until he checked the night's programming listings. "Aw, man, not Summer Catch," said Peterson, as he browsed the cable guide. "Then it's back-to-back episodes of Tracey Takes On at 11, followed by The Mexican at midnight and Ghosts Of Mars at 2 a.m. Fuck." Peterson spent the evening reading the room's complimentary copy of See Rockford! and sucking on ice cubes.

I'm An Attractive-People Person

Thank you for considering me for this position. As you can see from my résumé, my extensive work experience in the field makes me a strong candidate for this job. My résumé doesn't, however, convey the many intangibles that I bring to the table. For example, I'm incredibly driven. I'm also excellent in crisis situations, doing my best work under pressure. And, of course, I'm an attractive-people person.

All My Religion Needs Now Is A Snazzy Post-Death Scenario

Well, it's been a long, hard road, but I'm finally almost finished with Cosmysticism, the new religion I've been working on for the past year or so. And I must say, I'm pretty proud of how it's turned out. It's a delicate blend of love and wrath, mystery and science, history and fantasy. I have some compelling characters, a universal creation myth, and a great ascension-of-man second act. Now all I need is some sort of snazzy post-death scenario to really put the cherry on top.

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Hostel-Dwelling Swede Getting Laid Big-Time

NEW YORK–Anders Perssen, 23, a Swedish backpacker currently staying at the Chelsea International Youth Hostel, admitted Monday to getting "a great large amount of tail" during the first two weeks of his three-month tour of the U.S.

The much-laid Perssen sits on his bed at the hostel.

"Ja, is true," said the smiling Stockholm native. "I am getting laid big-time."

Perssen, who shares a dormitory-style room with five other men, said he has been "very lucky with ladies" ever since arriving in the U.S.

"I admit, it has been very easy to have the women to sleep with me," he said. "Much harder when I am home. Not impossible, I don't say. But, ja, harder."

"If I should have known this, I would have stay here before–every summer!" Perssen continued. "I would have come to America as soon as I was 18, just so I can get all the you-know-what whenever I want. But then I would have never leave, right?"

"No, I am kidding to you," added Perssen, turning serious for a moment. "I love Sweden. It is my home."

Dressed stylishly in a corduroy blazer and motorcycle boots, an English-Swedish dictionary tucked in the front pocket of his rumpled button-down shirt, Perssen said he makes a positive impression on American women with his European style of dress.

"The women, they say I dress nice, much better compared to American men who more dress in gym shoes," Perssen said. "The girl Gina at [local bar] the Half King say I look 'sophisticated.' I think she look sophisticated, too, but even better with the clothes off!"

Perssen's fellow hostel dwellers can attest to the mad action the Swede is getting.

"I go out to the bar on the weekend and everyone loves Anders," said Ewald Kist, 24, a Dutch traveler who has bunked with Perssen for the past eight days. "All the women, they say, 'Oh, I love your accent! Where are you from?' Or 'What is that cigarette you smoke? I never hear of Prince cigarette! Is that Swedish brand? Oh, so cool! Please to let me try one!' It work every time."

Shorter and less handsome than Perssen, Kist said he is doing "all right" himself, but cannot help but be impressed with Perssen's ability to reel it in.

"Anders is never even here at all most nights," Kist said. "He is paying for a bed for his backpack to sit on. But it is better for him this way, for sure. It is better, isn't it, Anders? The American women are good in bed, no?"

A sheepish Perssen waved the question away, but confirmed that he is definitely "getting some."

"On last Friday, I stay at the New York University on the campus in the room of Kristine," Perssen said. "On Sunday, I stay in apartment in the Eastern Village which is where the bands like the Ramones and The Talking Heads played. The girl, Brynn, was very beautiful. She had a tattoo. Ha, I will not say where, though. That is for me to know!"

In addition to Kristine and Brynn, Perssen has enjoyed the company of three other females in the past week: an advertising executive, an aspiring singer-songwriter, and a girl from Minneapolis staying with a friend at Columbia University.

"I go to the bar, and all I do is order my drink and the women ask me where I am from," Perssen said. "Sometimes, it is hard to choose between the friends, which one I want to talk to the most. Only, sometimes, by the end of the night, we do not just talk!"

According to Perssen, American women tend to know little about Swedish culture, but they are nonetheless eager to discuss it with him.

"They say Ingmar Bergman, then they say Pippi Longstockings, and then the Volvo car," Perssen said. "We talk about the bands–they sometimes know my favorite now, The Hives, or The Hellacopters or Sahara Hotnights, but they usually say ABBA. I do not like ABBA very much, but I am willing to sing along with them to the ABBA if it maybe will get me into the sack later."

Perssen confessed that last Saturday night, he participated in a bar sing-along to "Dancing Queen," the playful atmosphere culminating in a make-out session on the sidewalk outside of a Lower East Side bar.

Perssen, who plans to stay in New York another week before heading to Boston, said the attention from women has interfered with his efforts to see the city.

"There are so many things I mean to do here before I move on," Perssen said. "My first week, I visit the Metropolitan Art Museum and Times Square, and I go to the Central Park, but since then, I mostly concentrate on the hot chicks. It's a good idea, no?"

The Swede said he typically finds himself so tired from staying out late that he spends most days lounging in coffee shops or bookstores, resting up for the long night ahead.

"Maybe I will come back to New York when I am too old to want to get laid," Perssen said. "But right now, I see the real New York and party with the real people of New York, like Marissa and Shelley, who are both work at the jewelry store in Greenwich Village and live together in very small room. Marissa, with the red hair, and Shelley, with the dark hair and the very little waist."

"I will tell you this one thing more," Perssen continued. "I was thinking the American women might not like uncircumcised, but I will let you know that is not the case!"

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