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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Hosting A Barbecue

Summer is a great time to get outside and grill a delicious meal. Here are a few basic safety rules and outdoor-cooking tips to help make sure you and your family enjoy a tasty, safe summer cookout.

  • Marinate your ribs in bourbon before barbecuing. The best way to do this is by pouring the whiskey down your throat.
  • One safety tip to keep in mind while barbecuing is that you should never, ever light your house on fire.
  • It's important that you choose the right kind of fire for grilling meat. Class D magnesium-based fires are not the right kind of fire for grilling meat.
  • Whatever you do, don't shout the phrase "Johnsonville brats!" at the top of your lungs. Don't let your neighbors do that, either.
  • Do you have an entire set of tableware designed with a playful, summery watermelon-slice theme? Well, isn't that adorable. Let me see that spoon! Even the spoon is a little watermelon. Honey, come here and look at this spoon.
  • Don't forget to repeatedly baste your cooking pork in barbecue sauce, which will "mask the spoiled taste."
  • The endangered Cebu cinnamon tree of the Philippines is the best firewood for grilling. Use anything less, and you might as well be cooking your food on top of smoldering raccoon shit.
  • For optimal flavor, raise your own animals, make your own charcoal, and distill your own vinegar. For passable flavor, head on down to Smokey's Ribs & Things out by the airport.
  • When barbecuing veggie burgers, be sure to tie your long hair back. That will keep it away from the flames, you stupid hippie.

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