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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Hosting A Barbecue

Summer is a great time to get outside and grill a delicious meal. Here are a few basic safety rules and outdoor-cooking tips to help make sure you and your family enjoy a tasty, safe summer cookout.

  • Marinate your ribs in bourbon before barbecuing. The best way to do this is by pouring the whiskey down your throat.
  • One safety tip to keep in mind while barbecuing is that you should never, ever light your house on fire.
  • It's important that you choose the right kind of fire for grilling meat. Class D magnesium-based fires are not the right kind of fire for grilling meat.
  • Whatever you do, don't shout the phrase "Johnsonville brats!" at the top of your lungs. Don't let your neighbors do that, either.
  • Do you have an entire set of tableware designed with a playful, summery watermelon-slice theme? Well, isn't that adorable. Let me see that spoon! Even the spoon is a little watermelon. Honey, come here and look at this spoon.
  • Don't forget to repeatedly baste your cooking pork in barbecue sauce, which will "mask the spoiled taste."
  • The endangered Cebu cinnamon tree of the Philippines is the best firewood for grilling. Use anything less, and you might as well be cooking your food on top of smoldering raccoon shit.
  • For optimal flavor, raise your own animals, make your own charcoal, and distill your own vinegar. For passable flavor, head on down to Smokey's Ribs & Things out by the airport.
  • When barbecuing veggie burgers, be sure to tie your long hair back. That will keep it away from the flames, you stupid hippie.

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