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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.
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Hot New 'Murder Craze' Sweeps Chicago

CHICAGO—According to the nation’s tastemakers and trendsetters, the city of Chicago is currently wrapped up in a hot new murder craze, with murders occurring almost every day of the week, and sometimes happening well into the night.  “Englewood, Roseland, and Lawndale are some of the trendiest murder spots in the Windy City, with double or even triple homicides taking place on some of the hippest street corners and housing projects,” said trend expert Alyssa Mayrose, adding that while urban youths are at the cutting edge of the citywide craze, everyone, including middle-aged men and women, are getting caught up in Chicago’s “murder mania.”  “Some of the über-hip, very exclusive murders are happening in little tucked away places, like in the back alley of Lloyd’s Lounge in Riverdale. But if you are out on the town and want to find a murder, believe me,  you don’t have to look that hard. Bottom line: If you’ve got a gun or a knife and you want to kill someone, Chicago is the place to be right now.” Mayrose added that with the Chicago Police Department in complete and utter disarray, there is no indication that the cool, happening new trend of murdering people will end anytime soon.

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