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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Hot New 'Murder Craze' Sweeps Chicago

CHICAGO—According to the nation’s tastemakers and trendsetters, the city of Chicago is currently wrapped up in a hot new murder craze, with murders occurring almost every day of the week, and sometimes happening well into the night.  “Englewood, Roseland, and Lawndale are some of the trendiest murder spots in the Windy City, with double or even triple homicides taking place on some of the hippest street corners and housing projects,” said trend expert Alyssa Mayrose, adding that while urban youths are at the cutting edge of the citywide craze, everyone, including middle-aged men and women, are getting caught up in Chicago’s “murder mania.”  “Some of the über-hip, very exclusive murders are happening in little tucked away places, like in the back alley of Lloyd’s Lounge in Riverdale. But if you are out on the town and want to find a murder, believe me,  you don’t have to look that hard. Bottom line: If you’ve got a gun or a knife and you want to kill someone, Chicago is the place to be right now.” Mayrose added that with the Chicago Police Department in complete and utter disarray, there is no indication that the cool, happening new trend of murdering people will end anytime soon.

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