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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Hot New 'Murder Craze' Sweeps Chicago

CHICAGO—According to the nation’s tastemakers and trendsetters, the city of Chicago is currently wrapped up in a hot new murder craze, with murders occurring almost every day of the week, and sometimes happening well into the night.  “Englewood, Roseland, and Lawndale are some of the trendiest murder spots in the Windy City, with double or even triple homicides taking place on some of the hippest street corners and housing projects,” said trend expert Alyssa Mayrose, adding that while urban youths are at the cutting edge of the citywide craze, everyone, including middle-aged men and women, are getting caught up in Chicago’s “murder mania.”  “Some of the über-hip, very exclusive murders are happening in little tucked away places, like in the back alley of Lloyd’s Lounge in Riverdale. But if you are out on the town and want to find a murder, believe me,  you don’t have to look that hard. Bottom line: If you’ve got a gun or a knife and you want to kill someone, Chicago is the place to be right now.” Mayrose added that with the Chicago Police Department in complete and utter disarray, there is no indication that the cool, happening new trend of murdering people will end anytime soon.

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