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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Hot-Rod-Lincoln-Driving Son May Have Contributed To Father's Alcoholism

SAN PEDRO, CA—William Conroy, a 43-year-old San Pedro-area pappy, was driven to alcoholism by his 17-year-old son's reckless Hot Rod Lincoln driving, Conroy's psychologist said Monday. "Over the course of several of therapy sessions with Mr. Conroy, it became clear that he suffered tremendous distress as a result of his son's illegal drag-racing hobby," Dr. Eli Wasserbaum said. "Cody's recent arrest for driving 110 mph was likely the trigger event that prompted William to turn to alcohol." The elder Conroy told Wasserbaum that he "made it perfectly clear" to Cody that he would be driven to drinking if he did not stop driving that Hot Rod Lincoln.

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