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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Hot-Rod-Lincoln-Driving Son May Have Contributed To Father's Alcoholism

SAN PEDRO, CA—William Conroy, a 43-year-old San Pedro-area pappy, was driven to alcoholism by his 17-year-old son's reckless Hot Rod Lincoln driving, Conroy's psychologist said Monday. "Over the course of several of therapy sessions with Mr. Conroy, it became clear that he suffered tremendous distress as a result of his son's illegal drag-racing hobby," Dr. Eli Wasserbaum said. "Cody's recent arrest for driving 110 mph was likely the trigger event that prompted William to turn to alcohol." The elder Conroy told Wasserbaum that he "made it perfectly clear" to Cody that he would be driven to drinking if he did not stop driving that Hot Rod Lincoln.

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