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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Hot Sexy Girls Waiting To Talk To Guys Just Like You

VAN NUYS, CA—According to an announcement broadcast on late-night cable television Saturday, hot sexy girls are, at this very moment, waiting to talk to guys just like you.

Hot sexy girl Sondra Pett, 23, says she is driven "absolutely wild" by men who can read numbers off a TV screen and dial them into a working telephone.

The broadcast, sponsored by the Van Nuys-based telecommunications company Chat-Time Entertainment, urged all guys just like you to call these hot sexy girls without delay in order to minimize the amount of time the girls would have to wait.

While the precise number and location of girls in question was unspecified, James Hegl, a spokesperson for Chat-Time Entertainment, stressed that they are specifically interested in hearing from guys just like yourself.

"These girls aren't looking for just any guys," Hegl said. "They are interested in a certain type of guy, namely, guys who have working touch-tone telephones and possess the motor skills necessary to dial a phone number off their television screen into the aforementioned telephone without error. You know, guys just like you. That's the type of guy they like talking to."

Chat-Time employee and hot sexy girl Candi Lux agreed with Hegl's assessment. "I just love talking to guys who have cable TV and watch it late at night," she said, reclining in a bubble bath. "I just find it so attractive when they watch a phone number come up on the bottom of their screen and then dial it."

Fellow hot sexy girl Brianna Kisses: "You know what I really like? When a guy has a working credit card and knows how to operate a telephone." Running her hands over her body, she added, "When guys like that enter their credit-card number on a touch-tone phone, it just drives me wild!"

Though no specific timetable was given regarding how long the hot sexy girls would wait, Hegl said they very much want to talk to guys like you as soon as possible.

"One of these girls' biggest turn-offs is guys who are indecisive or slow to take action, who take a lot of time trying to decide whether or not they should make a phone call," Hegl clarified. "These girls want to talk to the kind of guy who calls right away. That type of guy."

"What are you waiting for?" said hot sexy girl Sondra Pett, reclining backwards into a pile of soft, lacy pillows while arching her back and thrusting her breasts forward. "Aren't you the type of guy who likes to talk to hot sexy girls? Please, don't keep me waiting. Call now."

Pett added that a nominal fee will be included in the cost of the call.

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