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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Hotshot Test Pilot Removes Helmet, Reveals Female Status

SHEPPARD AFB, TX–"Corporal Green," an enigmatic but brilliant Air Force test pilot, was revealed to be a woman Monday, when she removed her flight helmet following a trial run of the new AF-50 Shadowhawk, rumored to be "the fastest thing on landing gears." "I was completely flabbergasted to discover that the cocky ace behind those death-defying barrel rolls and devil-may-care canyon strafes was, in fact, a woman–and a gorgeous one at that," Lieut. Col. Thomas Hagerty said. "The flight suits are sufficiently baggy that I never suspected it until she took off the helmet and shook her head, sending her long blonde hair cascading down her back." Hagerty noted that his recent statement that Green "has got solid-brass balls" is now steeped in irony.

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