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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.
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Black Man Does 8 Years

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House Condescendingly Approves $400 In Added Stimulus

'Go Fill Yourself A Nice Pothole,' Say Republicans

WASHINGTON—Following President Obama’s speech on the state of the U.S. economy Thursday, House Republicans patronizingly approved an additional $400 in added fiscal stimulus and then sarcastically urged the nation to use the money to go fill in a pothole or fix a broken streetlight. “Knock yourselves out, America—don’t spend it all in one place,” House Speaker John Boehner told reporters, adding that he was absolutely certain the influx in funds would “rally your precious little markets” and “create jobs as far as the eye can see.” “Here’s your government spending, assholes. Only $1.4 billion more and you can get to work on one of those light rails you keep talking about.” Sources confirmed Boehner later threw a five-dollar bill onto the Capitol steps, saying, “While you’re at it, go buy yourselves a traffic cone.”

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