House Condescendingly Approves $400 In Added Stimulus

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Vol 47 Issue 36

Community Devastated By Sight Of Old Man Struggling To Walk Up Steps

UNIONTOWN, PA—An elderly man currently struggling to walk up a flight of steps at the local post office has rocked this community of nearly 12,000 people, leaving many shaken and devastated by the slow-moving, wheezing octogenarian's inability to perform what was once an effortless physical task, sources confirmed Thursday.
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House Condescendingly Approves $400 In Added Stimulus

'Go Fill Yourself A Nice Pothole,' Say Republicans

WASHINGTON—Following President Obama’s speech on the state of the U.S. economy Thursday, House Republicans patronizingly approved an additional $400 in added fiscal stimulus and then sarcastically urged the nation to use the money to go fill in a pothole or fix a broken streetlight. “Knock yourselves out, America—don’t spend it all in one place,” House Speaker John Boehner told reporters, adding that he was absolutely certain the influx in funds would “rally your precious little markets” and “create jobs as far as the eye can see.” “Here’s your government spending, assholes. Only $1.4 billion more and you can get to work on one of those light rails you keep talking about.” Sources confirmed Boehner later threw a five-dollar bill onto the Capitol steps, saying, “While you’re at it, go buy yourselves a traffic cone.”

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