House Democrats Forced To Move All Their Things Back Into Disgusting Minority Locker Room

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Vol 47 Issue 01

Modern-Day Cowboy Rides 18-Wheeler Full Of Entenmann's Products Westward

SOLOMON, KS—Awakening to the lonely howl of a distant coyote early Tuesday morning, C.J. Hoppel climbs into his 18-wheeler and sets off westward across a barren stretch of unbroken prairie, the whipping wind his only companion as he pulls a rig full of Entenmann's baked goods and snack cakes across the plains.

Robert Gibbs Stepping Down

While House press secretary Robert Gibbs announced he would be leaving his position as White House press secretary to work as a political adviser.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Race Relations

House Democrats Forced To Move All Their Things Back Into Disgusting Minority Locker Room

WASHINGTON—Suffering their greatest indignity since losing their majority in the midterm elections, House Democrats were forced this week to move all their personal belongings back into the filthy and dilapidated minority locker room, disgusted representatives confirmed Monday. "This place sucks. We have to share lockers, and the latches on the bathroom stalls don't work so you have to hold the door shut," said Rep. Dennis Kucinich (D-OH), adding that the House majority locker room has nice carpeting, leather furniture, places to hang their suits, and a Jacuzzi. "Plus, the floors are always wet, and it smells like piss. Who's pissing everywhere?" House Democrats also reported finding a dirty pair of Champion shorts belonging to Rep. Eric Cantor (R-VA) and a wall covered in graffiti reading "Fuck Americans!"

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