House Haunted By Tortured Souls Of Current Residents

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Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

Grandson’s Jigsaw Puzzle Strategy Fucking Pathetic

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Calling the 7-year-old’s attempt at fitting together the pieces the most idiotic display he’s witnessed in almost eight decades on earth, local grandfather Harold Randolph told reporters Wednesday that his grandson’s...

Woman Has No Business Being An Extrovert

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Explaining that the character trait does not seem to suit her well, acquaintances of local woman Mary Randolph told reporters Wednesday that the 32-year-old accountant really has no business being an extrovert.

Man Completes Life $130,000 Over Budget

SAN FRANCISCO—Having drastically underestimated the expenses required for such an elaborate production, recently deceased local man Norman Dennison is said to have completed his 84-year life Tuesday approximately $130,000 over budget.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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House Haunted By Tortured Souls Of Current Residents

It's said that sometimes a skeleton-like dog can be seen lurking around the backyard, looking for food that isn't there.
It's said that sometimes a skeleton-like dog can be seen lurking around the backyard, looking for food that isn't there.

HARTFORD, MI—On the outside it may look like any other home, but within the walls of 6535 Maple Ave. lies a terrifying secret: Every night, when the sun goes down and the moon comes out, this suburban bungalow is haunted by the restless, tormented souls of its current residents, the Davidson family.

"I always get this eerie chill whenever I walk by that house," said Katherine Sturges, who has lived next to the spooky residence for nearly a decade. "Sometimes, if you listen closely, you can hear these terrible screams at night. God-awful screams about money and hell and wanting a divorce."

Added Sturges, "I'm telling you, there's something not quite right about that Davidson place."

According to neighbors, three dead-eyed specters haunt the cursed dwelling: Jonathan Davidson, 58, a once-successful attorney whom many claim died on the inside years ago; his wife, Sheila, 56, a hollow, waiflike figure who reportedly roams the hallways of her home late at night, searching for a time long since past; and their adult son, Peter.

"They say the ghosts of what was once a happy family inhabit that home," neighbor Douglas Smith said. "I've heard doors slamming and cupboards being opened and closed at all hours of the night. I've even heard mournful wails coming from the basement, where poor Peter supposedly sleeps, estranged from the only woman he ever loved. Gives me the heebie-jeebies just talking about it."

Though few actually know what takes place inside 6535 Maple Ave., and fewer still wish to find out, a number of local residents have devised theories based on strange sightings.

In August, neighbors reported seeing the bone-chilling apparition of an intoxicated and half-naked Jon Davidson wandering aimlessly in his backyard. And last week, several residents claimed to have witnessed a stunted man-child playing with his toys in the driveway, though the unsettling vision was gone when they looked again a few minutes later.

"I heard the father who lives in that house went crazy after he lost his job, and feels empty and alone even though he still has his wife and son," said Jessica Deer, a fifth-grader at a local elementary school. "Sometimes he stays up all night reliving and regretting decisions he's made in the past. At least, that's what some of the other kids told me."

"Also, he cries and sobs at TV commercials," Deer continued. "It's really freaky."

Michael Lax, a senior at Hartford High School, told reporters he's also heard a number of the frightening tales.

"I know this is going to sound made-up, but they say that Sheila, the wife, sometimes looks in the mirror, and, like, sees someone else," Lax said. "Well, not exactly someone else, but, like—and this is super creepy—a younger version of herself. And apparently, the woman she sees in the mirror, she's a lot more beautiful than Sheila is, and she's married to someone else, someone who doesn't call her names when he gets angry and whom she still loves and feels close to."

"Man, I wouldn't set foot inside that place for a million bucks," Lax added.

Some residents, however, said the stories about the Davidson family are entirely fabricated.

"Trust me, this junk is just intended to scare little children and titillate housewives who have nothing better to do than gossip," local resident Carol Henderson said while helping her husband and two daughters plant some new azalea bushes in their front yard. "Seriously, now, who ever heard of a family that doesn't eat dinner together every night? That just sounds like a bunch of hogwash if you ask me."

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