House Haunted By Tortured Souls Of Current Residents

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Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.

Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...
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House Haunted By Tortured Souls Of Current Residents

It's said that sometimes a skeleton-like dog can be seen lurking around the backyard, looking for food that isn't there.
It's said that sometimes a skeleton-like dog can be seen lurking around the backyard, looking for food that isn't there.

HARTFORD, MI—On the outside it may look like any other home, but within the walls of 6535 Maple Ave. lies a terrifying secret: Every night, when the sun goes down and the moon comes out, this suburban bungalow is haunted by the restless, tormented souls of its current residents, the Davidson family.

"I always get this eerie chill whenever I walk by that house," said Katherine Sturges, who has lived next to the spooky residence for nearly a decade. "Sometimes, if you listen closely, you can hear these terrible screams at night. God-awful screams about money and hell and wanting a divorce."

Added Sturges, "I'm telling you, there's something not quite right about that Davidson place."

According to neighbors, three dead-eyed specters haunt the cursed dwelling: Jonathan Davidson, 58, a once-successful attorney whom many claim died on the inside years ago; his wife, Sheila, 56, a hollow, waiflike figure who reportedly roams the hallways of her home late at night, searching for a time long since past; and their adult son, Peter.

"They say the ghosts of what was once a happy family inhabit that home," neighbor Douglas Smith said. "I've heard doors slamming and cupboards being opened and closed at all hours of the night. I've even heard mournful wails coming from the basement, where poor Peter supposedly sleeps, estranged from the only woman he ever loved. Gives me the heebie-jeebies just talking about it."

Though few actually know what takes place inside 6535 Maple Ave., and fewer still wish to find out, a number of local residents have devised theories based on strange sightings.

In August, neighbors reported seeing the bone-chilling apparition of an intoxicated and half-naked Jon Davidson wandering aimlessly in his backyard. And last week, several residents claimed to have witnessed a stunted man-child playing with his toys in the driveway, though the unsettling vision was gone when they looked again a few minutes later.

"I heard the father who lives in that house went crazy after he lost his job, and feels empty and alone even though he still has his wife and son," said Jessica Deer, a fifth-grader at a local elementary school. "Sometimes he stays up all night reliving and regretting decisions he's made in the past. At least, that's what some of the other kids told me."

"Also, he cries and sobs at TV commercials," Deer continued. "It's really freaky."

Michael Lax, a senior at Hartford High School, told reporters he's also heard a number of the frightening tales.

"I know this is going to sound made-up, but they say that Sheila, the wife, sometimes looks in the mirror, and, like, sees someone else," Lax said. "Well, not exactly someone else, but, like—and this is super creepy—a younger version of herself. And apparently, the woman she sees in the mirror, she's a lot more beautiful than Sheila is, and she's married to someone else, someone who doesn't call her names when he gets angry and whom she still loves and feels close to."

"Man, I wouldn't set foot inside that place for a million bucks," Lax added.

Some residents, however, said the stories about the Davidson family are entirely fabricated.

"Trust me, this junk is just intended to scare little children and titillate housewives who have nothing better to do than gossip," local resident Carol Henderson said while helping her husband and two daughters plant some new azalea bushes in their front yard. "Seriously, now, who ever heard of a family that doesn't eat dinner together every night? That just sounds like a bunch of hogwash if you ask me."