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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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House Lawmakers Brainstorming Some Good Things To Say About Poor People Before Meeting Pope Francis

WASHINGTON—Gathering together outside the House chamber to trade ideas Tuesday, the nation’s lawmakers reportedly brainstormed complimentary things they could say about poor people when they meet with Pope Francis later this week. “This guy’s really interested in the poor, so we should have something nice to say, like, I don’t know, how they’re salt-of-the-earth people or how they’re humble or something like that,” said Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH), one of several dozen representatives who stood around struggling for nearly half an hour to come up with any positive associations they felt toward the country’s impoverished population. “Boy, this is hard. The bottom line is that we can’t say anything that will come back to bite us later, like implying that they’re in need of assistance or that they deserve better. Let’s just scrape together a sentence or two vaguely praising them and then we can move on to something much more comfortable, like abortion.” At press time, Boehner was frustratedly shaking his head after realizing he and his colleagues would likely have to come up with something positive to say about peace, as well.


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