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John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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House Lawmakers Brainstorming Some Good Things To Say About Poor People Before Meeting Pope Francis

WASHINGTON—Gathering together outside the House chamber to trade ideas Tuesday, the nation’s lawmakers reportedly brainstormed complimentary things they could say about poor people when they meet with Pope Francis later this week. “This guy’s really interested in the poor, so we should have something nice to say, like, I don’t know, how they’re salt-of-the-earth people or how they’re humble or something like that,” said Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH), one of several dozen representatives who stood around struggling for nearly half an hour to come up with any positive associations they felt toward the country’s impoverished population. “Boy, this is hard. The bottom line is that we can’t say anything that will come back to bite us later, like implying that they’re in need of assistance or that they deserve better. Let’s just scrape together a sentence or two vaguely praising them and then we can move on to something much more comfortable, like abortion.” At press time, Boehner was frustratedly shaking his head after realizing he and his colleagues would likely have to come up with something positive to say about peace, as well.


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