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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Housefly Fondly Recalls Losing Virginity On Rotting Pile Of Ground Beef

COLUMBIA, SC—Saying the fetid stench of spoiled meat perfectly set the mood for romance, local housefly Tztsz on Wednesday fondly recalled losing his virginity on a decomposing pile of ground beef. “It was such a wonderful experience—we found this nice slimy clump of discolored beef rotting in an open trash can and made sweet love,” said Tztsz, adding that the putrefied wad of ground chuck was a popular spot where several hundred of his buddies also had sex for the first time. “I didn’t even expect Zztzzz and I to go all the way that night, but the moonlight shined so beautifully on the gray, festering meat that I guess we couldn’t help ourselves. The next thing I knew, she was putting her ovipositor into my genital opening. Well, you never forget where you lost your virginity, and I’m glad I lost mine on that lump of putrid flesh that had been sitting outside for days.” Tztsz went on to say that he’d always have a cherished memory even if he never had sex again in the three remaining weeks of his lifespan.

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