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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Housefly Fondly Recalls Losing Virginity On Rotting Pile Of Ground Beef

COLUMBIA, SC—Saying the fetid stench of spoiled meat perfectly set the mood for romance, local housefly Tztsz on Wednesday fondly recalled losing his virginity on a decomposing pile of ground beef. “It was such a wonderful experience—we found this nice slimy clump of discolored beef rotting in an open trash can and made sweet love,” said Tztsz, adding that the putrefied wad of ground chuck was a popular spot where several hundred of his buddies also had sex for the first time. “I didn’t even expect Zztzzz and I to go all the way that night, but the moonlight shined so beautifully on the gray, festering meat that I guess we couldn’t help ourselves. The next thing I knew, she was putting her ovipositor into my genital opening. Well, you never forget where you lost your virginity, and I’m glad I lost mine on that lump of putrid flesh that had been sitting outside for days.” Tztsz went on to say that he’d always have a cherished memory even if he never had sex again in the three remaining weeks of his lifespan.

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