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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Houseguest Just Going To Lie There Until Rest Of House Wakes Up

Anticipating at least a two-hour wait for breakfast, Keegan rationed what was left of his Terra Blues chips from the previous day's flight.
Anticipating at least a two-hour wait for breakfast, Keegan rationed what was left of his Terra Blues chips from the previous day's flight.

SAN DIEGO—Houseguest Kevin Keegan announced Sunday morning that, despite being totally awake, he nonetheless intends to remain on the living room couch he slept on last night until one or more of the house's occupants gets up.

Keegan, a Boston resident staying with his cousin Barbara's family while in California for a job interview, said that he awoke at the unusually early hour of 6:45 a.m. "probably because of the time zone difference" and had failed in his attempts to fall back asleep.

"That would've been ideal," said Keegan, who spent the night awkwardly propped up on a single folded-over pillow and only partially covered by a thin decorative quilt. "If I had slept another couple of hours, we all would have likely gotten up around the same time."

"Now my only choice is to wait it out," the 27-year-old Keegan added. "Barbara and Dennis seem like morning people, so they should be up pretty soon. Plus, they've got two kids. Kids usually wake up pretty early, don't they?"

In an effort to pass the time, Keegan announced plans to leaf through a coffee- table book of Native American masks, which he estimated would hold his interest for approximately 15 minutes. Keegan told reporters he is also considering watching television, but after examining the three remote controls within his reach, admitted he wasn't confident he could find the right combination of buttons to turn the TV on and then quickly mute the volume to avoid waking his hosts.

In the meantime, however, Keegan will continue finding interesting patterns in the texture of the ceiling's stucco, listening to the ticking of a large wall clock, and trying to ignore his growing urge to urinate.

"It's not an emergency yet, so I'm just going to hold it for now," Keegan said as he shifted on the couch, trying to find a position that would ease the discomfort in his pelvic region. "The toilet's right next to the master bedroom, and I don't want the flush to wake anyone. If this were my apartment, I could just postpone flushing, but obviously I can't do that here."

"What's taking them so long?" he added. "They didn't even go to bed late last night."

Acknowledged that he was also very hungry, Kegan said he had aborted an earlier plan to visit the kitchen, since he wasn't familiar enough with the house to know which floorboards creaked.

Moreover, Keegan reported, any attempt to prepare breakfast would be too risky. While he noticed the previous night that multiple varieties of cereal were available, including Froot Loops, an old childhood favorite, he determined that the clanking of a metal spoon could prove disastrous.

"Besides, it's Sunday," Keegan said. "They might have plans for a big family breakfast, and it might be even more involved than usual because there's a guest."

"Wait, did you hear that?" he added, cocking an ear toward the ceiling. "I think someone's awake…. I could've sworn…. No. No, that's just the heat coming on. Never mind."

After his second failed attempt to fall back asleep, Keegan said he had considered checking his e-mail on the laptop his cousin's husband had left in sleep mode on the kitchen table, but was ultimately afraid to do so without explicit permission. He also contemplated going outside for a walk, but concluded it would be weird if people got up and he wasn't there.

"Maybe they go to church," said Keegan, scanning the room for any religious objects. "That would mean they'd wake up reasonably early, and if the kids go to Sunday school, they'd have to get up even earlier. They didn't say anything about church, though."

Continued Keegan, "I just hope someone gets up soon."

When reached for comment, Barbara and her husband were both wide awake, quietly reading in bed.

"The poor guy was really bushed last night," she said. "We're going to let Kevin sleep in a little longer."

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