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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Housekeeper Too Busy To Be Sassy

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Much to the chagrin of the Whitford family, housekeeper Maria Ortega, 42, is too busy cleaning their mansion to deliver any sassy wisecracks. "It's such a pity, really," said head-of-the-household Judge John Whitford on Tuesday. "Maria spends so much time cooking meals, vacuuming and dusting our 40 rooms, washing the windows, doing the laundry, making the beds, and hauling out the trash, she never delights us with any snappy, smart-alecky rejoinders like that Florence on The Jeffersons." Whitford added that he can't understand why Ortega doesn't have time to come up with one-liners during her daily two-hour bus ride to work.

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