Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News

Housing Prices Spike As Tech Employee Takes Stroll Through Neighborhood

OAKLAND, CA—Pricing out residents on either side of the street with each step he took, Facebook software engineer Eric Healy reportedly sent local housing costs soaring during a casual stroll through a residential neighborhood Tuesday. “Wow, what a nice day,” said Healy, increasing the rent on local one- and two-bedroom apartments threefold and adding at least $350,000 in property value to each building within a three-block radius as he made his way along the sidewalk. “It’s so nice to get outside and take a walk.” At press time, sources reported that two artisanal bakeries, an Anthropologie, and a themed tiki bar had begun making plans to move into the quiet neighborhood as Healy paused on a street corner for several moments to answer a phone call.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.