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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Houston Rockets Catch Tracy McGrady Masturbating To Tape Of His 41-Point Performance

HOUSTON—Rockets players held a team press conference Tuesday to express their shock, confusion, and disgust at discovering shooting guard Tracy McGrady masturbating vigorously in the darkness of the team's tape room while viewing recordings of his recent stellar 41-point performance. "We were walking down the hallway like usual and heard a bunch of moaning and shouting coming the tape room, so we opened up the door and there was T-Mac with his warm-ups around his ankles, churning himself with both hands," said small forward Shane Battier. "He just kept grunting 'Put it through the rim. Again. Give it the soft touch. Oh, Tracy, you're so good. Don't tell me you're going to take it to the hole again. I'm not ready for that yet.'" Rookie Carl Landry, who has played an important role as a reserve, said he was happy he had to sit out with a bruised left knee, claiming that there was no chance McGrady could have masturbated to him.

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