‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.
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‘How Could Harvey Weinstein Get Away With This?’ Asks Man Currently Ignoring Sexual Misconduct Of 17 Separate Coworkers, Friends, Acquaintances

WOBURN, MA—In light of reports that Miramax cofounder Harvey Weinstein had sexually harassed women for decades with no apparent consequences, local man Devin Blanford, who is currently ignoring the sexual misconduct of 17 separate coworkers, acquaintances, and friends, wondered Friday how Weinstein was able to get away with it. “How was this allowed to happen in the year 2017?” said an exasperated Blanford, who reportedly has willfully refused to acknowledge let alone challenge suggestive comments made by coworkers toward female colleagues and the unwanted sexual advances made by his friends toward women at social gatherings. “I know he’s a powerful man, but that doesn’t mean these disgusting things [that I deliberately choose to overlook in my own life or rationalize so quickly that it’s barely even a conscious act] can just be tolerated. Look, no one wants to rock the boat, I get that, but [other] people need to speak out, even if it’s uncomfortable.” At press time, a friend had forwarded a woman’s Tinder profile to Blanford and asked, “You think this bitch is gonna spread on the first date?” to which Blanford, after a pause, replied, “hahaha idk.”

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