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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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How The Orioles Decided To Become Half Baseball Team, Half Industrial Slaughterhouse

After years of declining attendance and an even worse overall record, the Orioles made the bold decision to limit their baseball-playing operations and embark on a grand experiment: converting to a large-scale abattoir. Here's a look at their projected 2011 lineup and the new roles each player might play.

Brian Roberts: second baseman, skull-splitter
One of the longest tenured Orioles, injuries and age have deteriorated Roberts' skill-set somewhat. But that doesn't mean he can't take a wedge to behead and really spill some cow brain.

Adam Jones: center fielder, assembly line
Jones finally broke through in 2010, showing the ability to sort through vast wads of meat and find the small flecks of bone that gets in there. He'll be patrolling the pork run.

Vladimir Guerrero: designated hitter, large cleaver
The O's most recent acquisition, Guerrero will swing the 'big blade' at anything, anywhere, anytime. Don't even try and sneak a large beef ribcage by him: he will split it in two with one swing.

Nick Markakis: right fielder, quality control
Markakis has shown a tendency to walk, so look for the O's to get his keen eye above the floor, making sure the rest of the O's keep the floors clear of blood and offal.

Mark Reynolds: third baseman, industrial equipment cleaning
Reynolds holds a variety of major league strikeout records, so new manager Red Ballard would be wise to pick his spots and make sure his hot cornerman doesn't have to do much swinging. Manning the toxic chemical pool that serves to decontaminate the large machines might be just the spot for Mark.

Derrek Lee: first baseman, shank saw
Another new addition, Lee's best years are behind him. The shank saw is about all he can do at this point, so just set him down, let him run lamb leg after lamb leg through the blood-spitter and let him do what he does.

Nolan Reimold: left fielder, dry curing
Reimold had a rough sophomore effort after an encouraging rookie season, and brings with him the guts and steely mentality needed to watch animal parts dry out and shrivel before his very eyes. O's are expecting big things of him in the smokehouse.

Matt Wieters: catcher, hog runner
Wieters will have to get the pigs from pen to pen to grinder if he wants to earn back the tremendous trust the Orioles put in him. Look for his pitch-calling to improve as he learns each pig's tendencies.

J.J. Hardy: shortstop, shaver
Brought in to shore up the O's complete inability to get a cow and sheep properly shorn: the O's led the league in most gristle and hair per cubic foot of meat. Hardy takes pride in the wide range of animals he can shave.

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