How The Orioles Decided To Become Half Baseball Team, Half Industrial Slaughterhouse

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Every Comment On ‘Immaculate Reception’ YouTube Video Clearly From Franco Harris

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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

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Strongside/Weakside: Alex Morgan

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Despite her recent injuries, U.S. striker Alex Morgan is still arguably the most potent goal-scoring threat in women’s soccer. Is she any good?

Sexist Pig Has No Idea When Team USA Playing Nigeria

‘What Round Is This Again?’ Misogynist Asshole Asks

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Owner Tearfully Releases American Pharoah After Triple Crown Win

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Barcelona and Juventus go head-to-head in a Champions League final that will be watched by millions of incarcerated soccer executives around the world. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Keys To The Matchup: Warriors vs. Cavaliers

The Cleveland Cavaliers face the Golden State Warriors in what is likely their last-ever chance to win a championship for Kevin Love. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Cleveland Cavaliers face the Golden State Warriors in what is likely their last-ever chance to win a championship for Kevin Love. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Keys To The Matchup: Blackhawks vs. Lightning

The Chicago Blackhawks face the Tampa Bay Lightning in a Stanley Cup Finals matchup that has hockey fans wondering how late they’ll have to fucking stay up to watch overtime. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Chicago Blackhawks face the Tampa Bay Lightning in a Stanley Cup Finals matchup that has hockey fans wondering how late they’ll have to fucking stay up to watch overtime. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

FIFA Assures Fans Investigation Won’t Affect 2022 Qatar Slush Fund

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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Hockey Fans Treated To Rare Sighting Of Zamboni Giving Birth

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James Harden Pretty Sure He Felt Something Pop In Lower Beard

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Strongside/Weakside: James Harden

James Harden has become one of the most potent offensive threats in the NBA, leading the Houston Rockets to their first Western Conference Finals appearance in 18 years. Is he any good?

James Harden has become one of the most potent offensive threats in the NBA, leading the Houston Rockets to their first Western Conference Finals appearance in 18 years. Is he any good?

Bored David Blatt Just Drawing Up Plays For Fun During Cavs Game

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Tiger Woods, Lindsey Vonn Blame Breakup On Hectic Sex Lives

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Draft Pick Hugs Family That Will Bleed Him Dry Over Next 5 Years

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Greatest Boxing Matches Of All Time

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Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

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Derrick Rose Pulls Off Perfect 720 At Local Skate Park

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Keys To The Matchup: Duke vs. Wisconsin

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Kentucky Cancels Practice For NBA Draft Suit Fitting

CLEVELAND, OH—Following the Wildcats’ 78-39 victory over West Virginia in the Sweet 16, Kentucky sources confirmed that coach John Calipari had canceled Friday’s practice so the players could get fitted for NBA draft suits.

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With the University of Kentucky men’s basketball team just four games away from completing a perfect 40-0 season, Onion Sports takes a look back at the greatest undefeated runs in sports history. 1971 Nebraska Cornhuskers: The Univers...
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How The Orioles Decided To Become Half Baseball Team, Half Industrial Slaughterhouse

After years of declining attendance and an even worse overall record, the Orioles made the bold decision to limit their baseball-playing operations and embark on a grand experiment: converting to a large-scale abattoir. Here's a look at their projected 2011 lineup and the new roles each player might play.

Brian Roberts: second baseman, skull-splitter
One of the longest tenured Orioles, injuries and age have deteriorated Roberts' skill-set somewhat. But that doesn't mean he can't take a wedge to behead and really spill some cow brain.

Adam Jones: center fielder, assembly line
Jones finally broke through in 2010, showing the ability to sort through vast wads of meat and find the small flecks of bone that gets in there. He'll be patrolling the pork run.

Vladimir Guerrero: designated hitter, large cleaver
The O's most recent acquisition, Guerrero will swing the 'big blade' at anything, anywhere, anytime. Don't even try and sneak a large beef ribcage by him: he will split it in two with one swing.

Nick Markakis: right fielder, quality control
Markakis has shown a tendency to walk, so look for the O's to get his keen eye above the floor, making sure the rest of the O's keep the floors clear of blood and offal.

Mark Reynolds: third baseman, industrial equipment cleaning
Reynolds holds a variety of major league strikeout records, so new manager Red Ballard would be wise to pick his spots and make sure his hot cornerman doesn't have to do much swinging. Manning the toxic chemical pool that serves to decontaminate the large machines might be just the spot for Mark.

Derrek Lee: first baseman, shank saw
Another new addition, Lee's best years are behind him. The shank saw is about all he can do at this point, so just set him down, let him run lamb leg after lamb leg through the blood-spitter and let him do what he does.

Nolan Reimold: left fielder, dry curing
Reimold had a rough sophomore effort after an encouraging rookie season, and brings with him the guts and steely mentality needed to watch animal parts dry out and shrivel before his very eyes. O's are expecting big things of him in the smokehouse.

Matt Wieters: catcher, hog runner
Wieters will have to get the pigs from pen to pen to grinder if he wants to earn back the tremendous trust the Orioles put in him. Look for his pitch-calling to improve as he learns each pig's tendencies.

J.J. Hardy: shortstop, shaver
Brought in to shore up the O's complete inability to get a cow and sheep properly shorn: the O's led the league in most gristle and hair per cubic foot of meat. Hardy takes pride in the wide range of animals he can shave.