How The Orioles Decided To Become Half Baseball Team, Half Industrial Slaughterhouse

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Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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How The Orioles Decided To Become Half Baseball Team, Half Industrial Slaughterhouse

After years of declining attendance and an even worse overall record, the Orioles made the bold decision to limit their baseball-playing operations and embark on a grand experiment: converting to a large-scale abattoir. Here's a look at their projected 2011 lineup and the new roles each player might play.

Brian Roberts: second baseman, skull-splitter
One of the longest tenured Orioles, injuries and age have deteriorated Roberts' skill-set somewhat. But that doesn't mean he can't take a wedge to behead and really spill some cow brain.

Adam Jones: center fielder, assembly line
Jones finally broke through in 2010, showing the ability to sort through vast wads of meat and find the small flecks of bone that gets in there. He'll be patrolling the pork run.

Vladimir Guerrero: designated hitter, large cleaver
The O's most recent acquisition, Guerrero will swing the 'big blade' at anything, anywhere, anytime. Don't even try and sneak a large beef ribcage by him: he will split it in two with one swing.

Nick Markakis: right fielder, quality control
Markakis has shown a tendency to walk, so look for the O's to get his keen eye above the floor, making sure the rest of the O's keep the floors clear of blood and offal.

Mark Reynolds: third baseman, industrial equipment cleaning
Reynolds holds a variety of major league strikeout records, so new manager Red Ballard would be wise to pick his spots and make sure his hot cornerman doesn't have to do much swinging. Manning the toxic chemical pool that serves to decontaminate the large machines might be just the spot for Mark.

Derrek Lee: first baseman, shank saw
Another new addition, Lee's best years are behind him. The shank saw is about all he can do at this point, so just set him down, let him run lamb leg after lamb leg through the blood-spitter and let him do what he does.

Nolan Reimold: left fielder, dry curing
Reimold had a rough sophomore effort after an encouraging rookie season, and brings with him the guts and steely mentality needed to watch animal parts dry out and shrivel before his very eyes. O's are expecting big things of him in the smokehouse.

Matt Wieters: catcher, hog runner
Wieters will have to get the pigs from pen to pen to grinder if he wants to earn back the tremendous trust the Orioles put in him. Look for his pitch-calling to improve as he learns each pig's tendencies.

J.J. Hardy: shortstop, shaver
Brought in to shore up the O's complete inability to get a cow and sheep properly shorn: the O's led the league in most gristle and hair per cubic foot of meat. Hardy takes pride in the wide range of animals he can shave.


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