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NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

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How To Consume Spicy Foods

Spicy foods continue to grow in popularity, whether they agree with your palate or not. Here are some tips on how to avoid social awkwardness while consuming spicy dishes:

  • Assure your palate you mean it no harm by giving it a little kiss before each meal.
  • Hot peppers can be dangerously potent, so err on the side of safety and wear goggles when eating them.
  • Put the sensation into perspective by making your professional life even hotter and spicier.
  • Discreetly wrap a napkin as best you can around your tongue.
  • When wearing a button-down shirt, it's important to leave it slightly open at the neck for a suave, casual effect, but not so open that others can see the top of the Van Halen logo on your T-shirt underneath.
  • Tilt your head upward so your companions can only see it in profile, open your mouth, and then pretend to drop the spicy food chunk by chunk down your throat, clandestinely hiding the morsels in a pouch wedged under your ear and between your neck and shirt collar.

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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

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