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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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How To Prevent Shaken Manchild Syndrome

Full coverage of SMS, Tonight at 10/9c on IFC.

Shaken Manchild Syndrome (SMS) is a dangerous form of injury inflicted by violent shaking on idle, out-of-shape, adult male children who still live at home. SMS can result in severe head trauma, retinal hemorrhages, bone fractures, and choking if the manchild has some Milk Duds or a chicken nugget in his mouth at the time of shaking. Approximately 25% of manchildren diagnosed with SMS die and about 80% of the survivors can suffer neurological damage that will make them even more slothful than they were before.

Things you can do to prevent yourself from shaking your manchild:

  1. Get enough rest. Being kept up all night by your manchild's screeching video games and Aqua Teen Hunger Force reruns can cause fatigue and a lessened ability to control emotions. Try asking a friend or a neighbor to take your manchild for a few hours to a movie or a ribs joint so that you can get a little sleep.
  2. Leave the room. When you see your manchild exhibiting infuriating behavior like cutting his toenails onto the living room carpet, take a deep breath an ask him calmly to use a trash can. If he refuses, take a power walk around the neighborhood to let off steam.
  3. Bridge the communication gap. Remember that when you hear your manchild yell from the refrigerator, while letting all the cold air out, about how he can't find the ketchup and that he thinks you're out of ketchup even though the ketchup is in the door and you tell him this every time and he never looks there, he's yelling because he doesn't understand how else to express his needs to you.
  4. Ask for help. You don't have to take care of your manchild alone. Lean on your husband, your family, or the manchild's college friends who have since gone to grad school and now have lucrative careers.
  5. Consider your options. If all else fails, you can leave your manchild on the steps of a local movie theatre or a Chipotle restaurant in the hopes someone else takes care of him. Anything is better than hurting him.
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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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