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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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How To Prevent Shaken Manchild Syndrome

Full coverage of SMS, Tonight at 10/9c on IFC.

Shaken Manchild Syndrome (SMS) is a dangerous form of injury inflicted by violent shaking on idle, out-of-shape, adult male children who still live at home. SMS can result in severe head trauma, retinal hemorrhages, bone fractures, and choking if the manchild has some Milk Duds or a chicken nugget in his mouth at the time of shaking. Approximately 25% of manchildren diagnosed with SMS die and about 80% of the survivors can suffer neurological damage that will make them even more slothful than they were before.

Things you can do to prevent yourself from shaking your manchild:

  1. Get enough rest. Being kept up all night by your manchild's screeching video games and Aqua Teen Hunger Force reruns can cause fatigue and a lessened ability to control emotions. Try asking a friend or a neighbor to take your manchild for a few hours to a movie or a ribs joint so that you can get a little sleep.
  2. Leave the room. When you see your manchild exhibiting infuriating behavior like cutting his toenails onto the living room carpet, take a deep breath an ask him calmly to use a trash can. If he refuses, take a power walk around the neighborhood to let off steam.
  3. Bridge the communication gap. Remember that when you hear your manchild yell from the refrigerator, while letting all the cold air out, about how he can't find the ketchup and that he thinks you're out of ketchup even though the ketchup is in the door and you tell him this every time and he never looks there, he's yelling because he doesn't understand how else to express his needs to you.
  4. Ask for help. You don't have to take care of your manchild alone. Lean on your husband, your family, or the manchild's college friends who have since gone to grad school and now have lucrative careers.
  5. Consider your options. If all else fails, you can leave your manchild on the steps of a local movie theatre or a Chipotle restaurant in the hopes someone else takes care of him. Anything is better than hurting him.

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