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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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How To Prevent Shaken Manchild Syndrome

Full coverage of SMS, Tonight at 10/9c on IFC.

Shaken Manchild Syndrome (SMS) is a dangerous form of injury inflicted by violent shaking on idle, out-of-shape, adult male children who still live at home. SMS can result in severe head trauma, retinal hemorrhages, bone fractures, and choking if the manchild has some Milk Duds or a chicken nugget in his mouth at the time of shaking. Approximately 25% of manchildren diagnosed with SMS die and about 80% of the survivors can suffer neurological damage that will make them even more slothful than they were before.

Things you can do to prevent yourself from shaking your manchild:

  1. Get enough rest. Being kept up all night by your manchild's screeching video games and Aqua Teen Hunger Force reruns can cause fatigue and a lessened ability to control emotions. Try asking a friend or a neighbor to take your manchild for a few hours to a movie or a ribs joint so that you can get a little sleep.
  2. Leave the room. When you see your manchild exhibiting infuriating behavior like cutting his toenails onto the living room carpet, take a deep breath an ask him calmly to use a trash can. If he refuses, take a power walk around the neighborhood to let off steam.
  3. Bridge the communication gap. Remember that when you hear your manchild yell from the refrigerator, while letting all the cold air out, about how he can't find the ketchup and that he thinks you're out of ketchup even though the ketchup is in the door and you tell him this every time and he never looks there, he's yelling because he doesn't understand how else to express his needs to you.
  4. Ask for help. You don't have to take care of your manchild alone. Lean on your husband, your family, or the manchild's college friends who have since gone to grad school and now have lucrative careers.
  5. Consider your options. If all else fails, you can leave your manchild on the steps of a local movie theatre or a Chipotle restaurant in the hopes someone else takes care of him. Anything is better than hurting him.

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