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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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How To Rise To The Challenge

Life doesn't always go the way you plan. Sometimes, an obstacle comes along—be it at work, in your home life, or elsewhere—that you need to overcome. Here are some tips on how to rise to the challenge:

  • Keep telling yourself the other guy is still one chicken wing ahead of you.
  • Remember: Whatever you do, crack your knuckles immediately before doing it. And, if you can, crack your neck to one side and then the other.
  • Make liberal use of the phrase "You're damn right I can!"
  • Always believe in yourself—unless you’re a liar, then just ask someone who knows you pretty well.
  • Read a book about how to lucid dream. Fall asleep. Now, achieve your goal in your dream and try to never wake up again, winner.

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