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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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How To Rise To The Challenge

Life doesn't always go the way you plan. Sometimes, an obstacle comes along—be it at work, in your home life, or elsewhere—that you need to overcome. Here are some tips on how to rise to the challenge:

  • Keep telling yourself the other guy is still one chicken wing ahead of you.
  • Remember: Whatever you do, crack your knuckles immediately before doing it. And, if you can, crack your neck to one side and then the other.
  • Make liberal use of the phrase "You're damn right I can!"
  • Always believe in yourself—unless you’re a liar, then just ask someone who knows you pretty well.
  • Read a book about how to lucid dream. Fall asleep. Now, achieve your goal in your dream and try to never wake up again, winner.
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