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How To Talk To Your Teens About Cody

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Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

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CHARLOTTE, NC—Noting how his fellow 23-year-old now takes business trips and apparently has a company-issued cell phone, local barista Daniel MacKenzie reported Friday that his friend Eric Sanford—with whom MacKenzie attended the University of Virginia from 2011 to 2015—has wasted no time at all becoming a full-fledged white-collar professional.

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FREEPORT, ME—Sensing things wouldn’t be the same once the woman removed their empty potato skin basket without so much as a playful acknowledgment of how much they must have enjoyed the appetizer, patrons at Downeast Grill confirmed Wednesday night that their new waitress, Allie, just didn’t have the same spark Richard had.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.
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How To Talk To Your Teens About Cody

Health Authorities From Pennington, IL have released this list of tips for parents of children who may come in contact with handsome Pennington High student Cody.

1) Start the discussion about sex with Cody early. Have age appropriate discussions with your grade schooler about Cody, because by the time she's in high school, Cody will be in his late 20s hanging by his motorcycle downtown and won't have lost one bit of his charm.

2) Make sure you are honest and open about your own feelings about Cody. Let your child know if you too have been tempted by Cody and that you understand what she's going through, but that she shouldn't have to have sex with Cody to earn Cody's respect.

3) Supervise your adolescents, especially on Thursdays when Cody gets out of wrestling practice early. Establish rules, curfews, and standards of expected behavior for when they're near Cody. Make sure to ask them when they leave the house if Cody's going to be where they're going. Ask them to check in with you periodically, so that you can listen for Cody's husky yet boyish voice through the phone.

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4) Find out what your child's friends think about Cody. Are your daughter's friends already sexually active with Cody? How many of your daughter's friends are carrying Cody's babies? These are questions you need to ask your daughter.

5) Build trust with your children. It's important that you build an honest, non-judgmental relationship with your child so that when she's ready to have sex with Cody, she will feel comfortable coming to you. That way, you can provide her with oral contraception because Cody says he has a latex allergy and can't wear condoms.

6) Know what your kids are reading, watching, and listening to. If she's listening to a CD from Cody's band, the Gun Stallions, it's too late. But, if it's a love poem that Cody wrote for her, then you're just in time, because he only writes poems for girls he hasn't gotten in the sack yet.

7) Have your teen spend a day with another teen who has already had one of Cody's babies. Seeing firsthand the effects Cody's newborn has on a real teen mother will help your daughter decide whether to go down to Pennington Pond with him after the game on Saturday.

8) Discuss the between drinking and sex with Cody. Almost 75% of teenage girls in the Pennington area became pregnant after Cody offered them a wine cooler that he stole from his mom's stash in the garage refrigerator.

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