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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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How To Tell If You Were Adopted

Hey, Kids!

Sometimes it's hard to figure out whether "Mom" and "Dad" are really your actual parents. Here are some things to look out for that mean you were adopted:

  • You're not allowed to get a trampoline.
  • Other family members enjoy foods that taste "yucky" to you.
  • You're made to sleep in your own private room, sequestered from the rest of the family.
  • Mom and Dad find occasions once or twice a year to shower you with gifts, so you won't feel so bad about being abandoned by your real parents.
  • You don't remember your parents bringing you home from the hospital when you were born.
  • Your parents call each other by names other than "Mommy" and "Daddy" to conceal their true identity.
  • Your parents don't let you go out at night, when your real parents might try to steal you back.
  • Only adopted, or "rejected," children have to brush their teeth.
  • You don't have the same eye and hair color as your parents, and you're not the same height.
  • Your parents sometimes go into their room and shut the door—this is to talk about whether the adoption was such a good idea.
  • Your parents are not as nice to you as your friends' parents are to them.
  • Your brother or sister has a nicer bicycle than you.
  • You're not allowed to get a puppy, because the puppy could tell by scent.
  • Once a week, Mom and Dad go to church, where they pray for a real child.


* Remember! If it turns out you were adopted, do not misbehave in any way or your parents will sell you to the gypsies.

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