How To Tell If You Were Adopted

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Vol 35 Issue 08

Granta Derided By Philistines

CHAPEL HILL, NC—Granta, the award-winning quarterly literary magazine that features the finest in fiction, non-fiction, memoirs, interviews, essays and reportage, was derided Monday by a group of ignorant, uncultured philistines. "I was sitting in a local sub shop, enjoying a devastatingly witty Saul Bellow piece in the latest Granta, when I distinctly heard three philistines at the next table mocking my choice of reading material," said University of North Carolina graduate student Ira Green. "Apparently, there's something about engrossing, top-notch writing that these three primitives find amusing."

Slight Inconsistency Found In Bible

STILLWATER, OK—The world's theological community is in an uproar following Monday's discovery of a slight inconsistency in the Bible. "I was reading Jeremiah 17:4, in which God says, 'Ye have kindled a fire in mine anger, which shall burn forever,'" said Pastor Theodore Strait of First Lutheran Church in Stillwater. "And I immediately recalled Jeremiah 3:12, which says, 'For I am merciful, saith the Lord, and I will not keep anger forever.' I thought, how can this possibly be? The Bible, contradicting itself?" Biblical scholars are scrambling to explain the strange paradox, believed to be the first time a passage in the Bible has been found to contain flaws in logic.

Area Man Not Exactly Sure Why Doctor Needed Him Undressed For That

OREM, UT—A routine visit to the doctor ended in confusion Monday when Ray Lyons was asked to undress for an examination that did not seem to require disrobing. "He asked me about my smoking and my sleep patterns and stuff, then he looked in my ears and throat, and checked my heartbeat with his stethoscope, and that was it," the baffled, nude Lyons said. "Would having my pants on somehow affect my heartbeat?"

Fox Ordered To Cancel Upcoming When Presidents Are Assassinated Live Special

WASHINGTON, DC—The White House and the FBI have ordered Fox to cancel Friday's When Presidents Are Assassinated live television special. "I'm disappointed, to say the least," Fox vice-president of programming Warren Davidoff said of the one-hour prime-time event's cancellation. "Presidential assassinations are an unfortunate fact of life in this country, and the American public has a right to see what really happens when a president is gunned down in cold blood."

Porn Actress Very Nearly Appears To Enjoy Ejaculation In Face

LOS ANGELES—Detachment and boredom were very nearly concealed Monday when 1.5 ounces of semen were ejaculated into the face of adult-film star Brittany Silk, 20, on the set of Butt-Fuck Sluts Go Nuts Vol. 31, forthcoming from Mustang Entertainment. "Brittany really did a great job with that scene," director Rodney Campos said. "She practically made it look like she loved having [co-star] Rick [Steed] shoot his hot, steaming load all over her face."

Babes In The Woods

It is Day 12 of my precipitous fall into destitution and subsequent flight from justice. Imagine—I, T. Herman Zweibel (or rather, my alias, Herman T. Zwiebel), once the richest and most powerful plutocrat in the Republic, must now fight for survival in the desolate wilderness. Even my liberty is in peril: I am the target of a man-hunt, because, by abandoning my lost estate, I am in defiance of the court-order that confined me there. O Fate! What a cruel mistress you are!
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Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Late Night

How To Tell If You Were Adopted

Hey, Kids!

Sometimes it's hard to figure out whether "Mom" and "Dad" are really your actual parents. Here are some things to look out for that mean you were adopted:

  • You're not allowed to get a trampoline.
  • Other family members enjoy foods that taste "yucky" to you.
  • You're made to sleep in your own private room, sequestered from the rest of the family.
  • Mom and Dad find occasions once or twice a year to shower you with gifts, so you won't feel so bad about being abandoned by your real parents.
  • You don't remember your parents bringing you home from the hospital when you were born.
  • Your parents call each other by names other than "Mommy" and "Daddy" to conceal their true identity.
  • Your parents don't let you go out at night, when your real parents might try to steal you back.
  • Only adopted, or "rejected," children have to brush their teeth.
  • You don't have the same eye and hair color as your parents, and you're not the same height.
  • Your parents sometimes go into their room and shut the door—this is to talk about whether the adoption was such a good idea.
  • Your parents are not as nice to you as your friends' parents are to them.
  • Your brother or sister has a nicer bicycle than you.
  • You're not allowed to get a puppy, because the puppy could tell by scent.
  • Once a week, Mom and Dad go to church, where they pray for a real child.


* Remember! If it turns out you were adopted, do not misbehave in any way or your parents will sell you to the gypsies.

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