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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.
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How To Tell If You Were Adopted

Hey, Kids!

Sometimes it's hard to figure out whether "Mom" and "Dad" are really your actual parents. Here are some things to look out for that mean you were adopted:

  • You're not allowed to get a trampoline.
  • Other family members enjoy foods that taste "yucky" to you.
  • You're made to sleep in your own private room, sequestered from the rest of the family.
  • Mom and Dad find occasions once or twice a year to shower you with gifts, so you won't feel so bad about being abandoned by your real parents.
  • You don't remember your parents bringing you home from the hospital when you were born.
  • Your parents call each other by names other than "Mommy" and "Daddy" to conceal their true identity.
  • Your parents don't let you go out at night, when your real parents might try to steal you back.
  • Only adopted, or "rejected," children have to brush their teeth.
  • You don't have the same eye and hair color as your parents, and you're not the same height.
  • Your parents sometimes go into their room and shut the door—this is to talk about whether the adoption was such a good idea.
  • Your parents are not as nice to you as your friends' parents are to them.
  • Your brother or sister has a nicer bicycle than you.
  • You're not allowed to get a puppy, because the puppy could tell by scent.
  • Once a week, Mom and Dad go to church, where they pray for a real child.


* Remember! If it turns out you were adopted, do not misbehave in any way or your parents will sell you to the gypsies.

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