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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

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ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.
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How To Tell If You Were Adopted

Hey, Kids!

Sometimes it's hard to figure out whether "Mom" and "Dad" are really your actual parents. Here are some things to look out for that mean you were adopted:

  • You're not allowed to get a trampoline.
  • Other family members enjoy foods that taste "yucky" to you.
  • You're made to sleep in your own private room, sequestered from the rest of the family.
  • Mom and Dad find occasions once or twice a year to shower you with gifts, so you won't feel so bad about being abandoned by your real parents.
  • You don't remember your parents bringing you home from the hospital when you were born.
  • Your parents call each other by names other than "Mommy" and "Daddy" to conceal their true identity.
  • Your parents don't let you go out at night, when your real parents might try to steal you back.
  • Only adopted, or "rejected," children have to brush their teeth.
  • You don't have the same eye and hair color as your parents, and you're not the same height.
  • Your parents sometimes go into their room and shut the door—this is to talk about whether the adoption was such a good idea.
  • Your parents are not as nice to you as your friends' parents are to them.
  • Your brother or sister has a nicer bicycle than you.
  • You're not allowed to get a puppy, because the puppy could tell by scent.
  • Once a week, Mom and Dad go to church, where they pray for a real child.


* Remember! If it turns out you were adopted, do not misbehave in any way or your parents will sell you to the gypsies.

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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

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