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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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How To Turn Down A Dare Graciously

Sometimes, when you find yourself being challenged to do things you're not comfortable with, a social situation can turn awkward. Here's how you can deflect such pressures and turn down a dare without losing face:

  • Excuse yourself after surreptitiously singing your ringtone.
  • Distract everyone with your double-jointed thumb.
  • Politely and graciously inform challenger that he is under citizen's arrest.
  • While acceptable, faking your sudden death may come off as unconvincing and overwrought in certain situations, such as in reaction to an invitation to play video trivia.
  • Go around eating from a 5-pound bag of carrots and explain that, unfortunately, you’re still working on the last dare.

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