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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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How Will Each Of Shaq's Body Parts Help The Mavs?

Big deal going down earlier today as the Dallas Mavericks acquired Shaquille O'Neal from the Boston Celtics so that they could tear him apart and divide his body parts among their healthy, young, effective players. Here's an inventory of what's left of Shaq and how it might help the Mavs get to the promised land.

  • Knees: Totally worthless.
  • Abdomen: Best use is probably to insulate thinner players in particularly cold arenas.
  • Toes: Could potentially be used as fingers.
  • Head: Far too large to actually fit onto any Mavericks player's neck, Dallas could potentially use it as a speed bag in the training room.
  • Inner Ear Bones: Shaq has always had very good balance, but make sure not to put them inside of Jason Terry, or he will think he is a 7' 400 lb man
  • Lymph: Shawn Marion could always use a little more lymph
  • Stomach: Though the temptation is there to use such a strong, durable part, this would be a slippery slope for any player looking to maintain weight
  • Hands: Tyson Chandler's hands are pretty ugly, best replace them with Shaq's smooth, soft mitts
  • Ian Mahinmi: center's right elbow has been acting up; Shaq's will fit well here as long as the Mavs don't mind watching Mahinmi brick every single free throw

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