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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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How Will Each Of Shaq's Body Parts Help The Mavs?

Big deal going down earlier today as the Dallas Mavericks acquired Shaquille O'Neal from the Boston Celtics so that they could tear him apart and divide his body parts among their healthy, young, effective players. Here's an inventory of what's left of Shaq and how it might help the Mavs get to the promised land.

  • Knees: Totally worthless.
  • Abdomen: Best use is probably to insulate thinner players in particularly cold arenas.
  • Toes: Could potentially be used as fingers.
  • Head: Far too large to actually fit onto any Mavericks player's neck, Dallas could potentially use it as a speed bag in the training room.
  • Inner Ear Bones: Shaq has always had very good balance, but make sure not to put them inside of Jason Terry, or he will think he is a 7' 400 lb man
  • Lymph: Shawn Marion could always use a little more lymph
  • Stomach: Though the temptation is there to use such a strong, durable part, this would be a slippery slope for any player looking to maintain weight
  • Hands: Tyson Chandler's hands are pretty ugly, best replace them with Shaq's smooth, soft mitts
  • Ian Mahinmi: center's right elbow has been acting up; Shaq's will fit well here as long as the Mavs don't mind watching Mahinmi brick every single free throw

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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