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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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How Will Each Of Shaq's Body Parts Help The Mavs?

Big deal going down earlier today as the Dallas Mavericks acquired Shaquille O'Neal from the Boston Celtics so that they could tear him apart and divide his body parts among their healthy, young, effective players. Here's an inventory of what's left of Shaq and how it might help the Mavs get to the promised land.

  • Knees: Totally worthless.
  • Abdomen: Best use is probably to insulate thinner players in particularly cold arenas.
  • Toes: Could potentially be used as fingers.
  • Head: Far too large to actually fit onto any Mavericks player's neck, Dallas could potentially use it as a speed bag in the training room.
  • Inner Ear Bones: Shaq has always had very good balance, but make sure not to put them inside of Jason Terry, or he will think he is a 7' 400 lb man
  • Lymph: Shawn Marion could always use a little more lymph
  • Stomach: Though the temptation is there to use such a strong, durable part, this would be a slippery slope for any player looking to maintain weight
  • Hands: Tyson Chandler's hands are pretty ugly, best replace them with Shaq's smooth, soft mitts
  • Ian Mahinmi: center's right elbow has been acting up; Shaq's will fit well here as long as the Mavs don't mind watching Mahinmi brick every single free throw

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